Noah’s Bagels

Noah’s faceless corporate overlords have decreed that Einstein Brothers is to be their sole bagel brand for Oregon, so this Noah’s is no more. (FCOs do a lot of rebranding; that’s how they conceal their inability to actually make and sell stuff people want or need.) But Noah’s died a long time ago, when the Orthodox Jewish family that owned Noah’s sold out to the FCOs, and Noah’s ceased to be a place you could buy a decent sandwich. I ate in the FCO Noah’s precisely once, and that was long before I moved to PDX. So, I never ate here and this is not a proper review — more of a nostalgia trip.
Noah’s Jewishness was all the more touching for not being that obvious. Yeah, bagels are a Jewish invention, but Noah’s were not quite the real deal, being steamed rather than boiled. But they were strictly kosher: no outside food please, no no meat sold — too hard to maintain the milk-​meat separation thing in a small restaurant. Once my bill came to $ 6.66, much to the consternation of the goyisher kid behind the counter. I assured him that, this being a Jewish establishment, signs from the Book of Revelation were of no consequence.
Despite the so-​so bagels, it was nice to find a place that sold decent egg salad sandwiches in the middle of the array of generic strip malls that is California. That and the Jewish pastries that reminded me of my childhood (the less traumatic parts) kept me coming back, not as a fiercely loyal fan, but just somebody who appreciated a slightly less corporate alternative for a quick lunch. When the FCOs replaced the fresh sandwich fillings with salty premade crap, life lost a teeny-​weeny bit of its lustre,.
I would often walk by a Noah’s, see the ads for bacon-​and-​egg sandwiches, and shake my head. A little hypocritical, perhaps, since I haven’t avoided pork since I went through my pseudo-​Orthodox phase many decades ago. But it makes me grateful for the advent of Melvyn and Elmo Einstein, despite their ad agency mediocrity: the cultural disconnect between the Kosher Noah’s and the FCO Noah’s was just too much

The one-​star rating may confuse, so allow me to clarify: I truly enjoyed Noah’s Bagels — especially the cracked peppercorn potato bagels, until they foolishly took them out of the lineup. So this review is actually about this morning’s trip to Noah’s that turned out to be this morning’s trip to Einstein Bros. which now occupies the former location of Noah’s on Hawthorne.
It is Sunday morning around 9, so my eyes are only half open; but the first thing I notice is that the nook window table is gone. I look around to discover a number of other changes, none of them good — the cold case is gone where once stood all manner of box lunches, wiener bagel wraps and such other delights — GONE. Also gone (and replaced by lesser products) are the great coffees.
On to service — completely confused and disorganized. I ordered two potato and one sesame bagel for dine –in. What I got was a bag containing three potato bagels, and I was charged for a fourth. Even after bringing this to their attention, I never got the sesame. The place is now extremely noisy and catering to children running and screaming (because the echo is so-​much-​fun!). I have no need or desire to ever return to this place. Noah’s, where are you when we NEED you?!?

Worst Service Ever — I split my business between Noah’s and Kettleman’s, so I was trying to keep an open mind about the transition to Einstein’s for both of my favorite places. There was even an article in the Oregonian today about the transition, so I thought Einstein’s would be at their best. My experience could not have been worse. Bagels are souflees, heat ‘em butter ”em. serve em. the crew of five managed to screw up our simple order about find different ways, and their were only three customers in the store. The order before my clocked thirty minutes. I can’t believe the guy waited for the bagels. One cooker watched another cooker slowly make a simple bagel, then startup doing setups for his next shift. After the slow cook when to the back to chat with a cooworker, another cashed out ten minutes early out of her till before the shift change. I have to wait for seven or eight minutes to pay, had to ask for our coffee cups after waiting, and then began the great wait of all time. I thought they were making lobster thermador. Somehow, they managed to serve both of our bagels cold after taking so long. During the whole nightmare, employyes gathered at the back of the store to chat it up before shift change. The only guy who had a clue was the manager trying to save the titanic. Einstein Bros, you took a good thing, and you destroyed it. Please let Kettleman’s run their own ship. Please don’t help.

Don’t go here. So many other choices in this area. Had bad service, received wrong item and was not tasty!

waited ten minutes for a bagel with plain creamcheese. untoasted.
watched three other people get their bagel before me. people that ordered after me.
watched the slacker behind the counter stare at the bagels before him, obviously befuddled at the concept of «slicing».
walked out.
I will never go in that shop again.

I really like Noah’s Bagels. I am not rating this on the authenticity of its «New York-​ness» but simply because I like their bagels and I love their schmers (great variety of savory and sweet, and I haven’t tried one I didn’t like). They are a little spendy, but for $ 15 you can get a bakers dozen of mixed bagels and 2 schmers, which makes for either a great office breakfast, or a week of bagel lunches for you and your significant other (if you don’t eat them that quickly, they freeze very well and staff with give you freezer bags).
I especially like the Good Grains, Asiago, and Sesame seed bagels and for schmeres, I love the maple and the garden veggie.
I have been eyeing the «Bagel dog» for a while (It’s like a grown up weiner wrap??) but haven’t been interested enough to spend $ 7 on a hot dog wrapped in bagel dough…

Ugh, the last time I went in here the cream cheese tasted completely rancid. And the sourdough bagel just tasted like total poop. And *SURPRISE* I found out the bagels aren’t even made here, they’re shipped frozen from elsewhere. I find the sign «These bagels were expertly baked by [enter person who just puts frozen bagels in oven here]» completely misleading.
Oh, and FYI their bagels aren’t vegan. There’s an ingredient in it called l-​cysteine, which is derived from duck feathers. Not lying, google it! Gross and POINTLESS… you don’t need duck feathers in bagels.

I really WANT to like Noah’s, I mean, it’s bagels and cream cheese, what’s not to like? So I got their promotional flyer and decided to check it out on ‘Free Bagel Friday.’ My receipt broke down like this:
1 Bagel 0.99
1 Side Cream Cheese 1.50
1 Free Bagel –0.99
Total: 1.50
What the hell? Isn’t a bagel + schmear $ 1.50 regularly? Since their bagels aren’t spectacularly better than the grocery store’s, I was really interested in getting a free-​ish toasty warm breakfast, expecting to pony up like fifty cents for the cream cheese. Thanks for making me feel like an a-​hole Noah’s.

this location is the best Noah’s I’ve ever been to.

Even though my husband told me to calm down, I couldn’t! I asked for an EVERYTHING bagel toasted with veg spread, and got an untoasted cheese bagel with veg spread! what the heck, right, ONE out of three aint bad, huh? Also, I really don’t appreciate the strange looks when I order a challah roll to go, I mean they sell them, why is it so weird that I asked for one? Am I missing out on something? whatever. If it wasn’t for the gross dense things they try to pass off as bagels at Fred Meyer I wouldn’t come here, but they are decent enough and the prices are ok, just don’t expect to get what you asked for 100% of the time.

Noah’s New York Bagels, though clearly chain-​oriented and lacking some of the «Portland Charm» associated with several of my other favorite small cafes and lunch stops, was not the unpleasant experience that several other Unilocalers would have lead me to believe. The Rachel i ordered was set in front of me and right away I found myself attacking its moderate portions of pastrami and coleslaw (A play on the classic «Reuben» sandwich for the unexperienced). The marble rye was tasty, however, it seem to disintegrate under the weight of the sandwich components, leaving my fingers covered in mustard and thousand island. With no napkins on the table, its was frustrating to go hunting by the soda fountain halfway through my meal. The staff was moderately attentive and I even got personal attention from the manager, which is appreciated and often lost on the counterculture, progressive, workforce that all seems to pour out of PSU and provide poor service in many downtown food spots.
All things considered, my experience at Noah’s was enjoyed. My meal was portioned right and delicious, and I didn’t feel ripped off. Noah’s has several good things working for them and with the adjustment of a few customer amenities and continuation of their good service practices, it could be a place that truly outshines the bad rap it seems to have picked up.
My advice?
While there is plenty to eat in Portland’s 23^rd street neighborhood, Noah’s is good bet for a decent lunch. One I look forward to eating again.
Dig in!

For a Noah’s, I’m happy with the quality of bagels. I never was very happy with the Noah’s in Santa Cruz or San Francisco. Crispy outside, chewy inside, and the potato peppercorn is yummy.
I felt gypped on the cream cheese — the tofutti barely covered my bagel. I’m also not impressed with the space inside and wish they’d swap out that big table for a couple smaller ones. Lastly, I never understand why people taking orders want to know how to spell your name — if someone else is going to shout it out, shouldn’t you just be phonetic about it? I was trying to do you a favor by telling you my name was Laura, not Lorelei.
So, three stars because this is far from a favorite place, but I will probably be back.

I’m well aware there are other Noah’s Bagel locations in the Portland area, but the shop on Hawthorne reminds me most of a place I knew in the East Village. I was born and raised in Manhattan’s lower East Side, and I step into this shop whenever I need a reminder of the downtown atmosphere I left behind. I should add, one of the most gratifying sights I recall was the Manhattan skyline disappearing in my rearview mirror as I drove west through New Jersey; I left NYC enthusiastically because I prefer to visit the city, not live there.
Yes, the staff at Noah’s is bored to death. They’ve seen a hundred like me, and they’ll see at least as many more before they finish their shift. I don’t go there for the attentive service, anymore than I’d step into a downtown delicatessen in Manhattan and expect to be treated like visiting royalty. I go there for the coffee, the bagels, and the people-​watching. I sip my coffee, nibble on my bagel, read a newspaper, write a brief letter, and I prefer not to be disturbed by «attentive staff».
As I mentioned, there are other Noah’s locations and you’ll probably find fewer tattoos and body piercings at any one of them. The Noah’s on Hawthorne is a little different.
It is a bit crowded and hectic on weekends. The staff is hustling as fast as they can, and they’re human — they run out of energy and enthusiasm, just as you and I would under the same circumstances.
If you’re in the area and want a bagel & coffee, stop in. If you want personalized service, linen tablecloths and silverware, you simply have to go elsewhere. Celebrate your lowered expectations! Raise your coffee cup high! Sip, don’t gulp, and avoid burning your esophagus.

If you want to be ignored by an irriated staff who seems vaguely interested in your presence at the counter if only for humor, then go to Noah’s. On a 104 degree day in Portland I stood at the counter waiting to buy a freaking bottle of water and a rice krispie treat with my daughter and was totally ignored by not one but two apparently capable staff. How hard is it to punch in the numbers on the cash register people? I know, you are coming from the realm of entitlement and you are just too good for this job… so how come you are working here then? I seem to remember a time in my life where I slung lots of coffee to perfectly friendly and thirsty people… I did it quickly and with a SMILE and most of my paycheck came in the form of a TIP. There are plenty of places on the Hawthorne drag that were happy to sell me water. That is where I took my money.

I just want to say that I went to Noah’s bagels on NW 23^rd and if my hair was on fire the guys behind the counter wouldn’t offer me a fire extinguisher. They really must find their sales help at the University of Anguished Post-​Postpubescents. These guys and gals all act like they are doing me a favor by showing up to work.
But a better update is that there are REAL BOILED bagels at Kettleman’s. Kettleman’s is owned by a non-​jewish person which means it’s on a learning curve but definitely trying. I keep sending them anonymous postcards to help them along. They have good cream cheese as well.

It would be wonderful if Portland had more independent, fresh-​made bagel joints (my favorite is Jazzy Bagels in the G-​sham). But, fresh-​made or not, Noah’s has some yummy breakfast sandwiches. I’m a big fan of the meat-​egg-​cheese Eggmits and breakfast paninis. The chicken salad sandwich is a good choice as well. When I’ve got a few extra bucks, I get a cup of sweet, fresh orange juice. (Incidentally, this is the only juice I’ve sound that matches the flavor of the stuff they had at my college bagel shop in North Carolina.) My one gripe is that they charge an arm and a leg to add a «shmear» to your sandwich.
Sitting at a table on the sidewalk on a sunny day, chatting and people –watching, is always fun. The line can be long if you hit it at the wrong time… but that just means that the inauthentic bagels can’t be that bad, right?

Coming from the east coast, the lack of bagelries is noticeable. And while Noah’s is one of the only places I can think of in southeast that devotes itself primarily to bagels (there are some sandwiches, salads, and coffee drinks on the menu, too), it still is a good bet for bagels.
With a wide selection of «shmears», also known as flavored cream cheeses, you’ll have plenty of options for dressing your bagel. I still can’t stray from the jalapeño shmear – it’s spicy and delicious.

Bagels are just the beginning
For those of you, who don’t think you have enough time for breakfast, try out Noah’s Bagels. It’s a great spot for on-​the-​go folks who want something to tide them over but can’t spare more than five minutes.
I discovered it after an appointment in the Hawthorne neighborhood. To my surprise, they had so many flavors to use from. I was lucky enough to try their in-​season pumpkin bagel, which was divine.
I decided to go back on a Saturday for lunch and was surprised yet again by their tasty sandwiches. I ordered the spicy chicken, which was a grilled breast, pasted with red chile. It had a lovely Gorgonzola shmear, complimented by lettuce, tomato and red onions on an onion Challah roll. Need I say more?
Tip: Try out the Hawthorne location on a Saturday and sit by the window. It makes for great people watching and is a convenient pit stop in between shopping.