Infernos

This place is marmite as there are as many good as there are bad points about this place, but in my opinion, in spite of the smelly carpets and the extra sloppy, slurring party-​goers at the end of the night, this place is actually great fun.
If you like cheesy music and feel like letting your hair down, going wild and dancing like no-one’s watching, this place ticks those boxes. It’s a fairly inexpensive, fun night out if you let loose.

Oh Infernos. Where do I even start with you? I feel skanky just admitting that I’ve been a patron of this establishment, let alone making it publicly known that I had a great time.
Our names were on the sign yourself up online guest list (yes, this was a pre-​planned outing at the venue, courtesy of a former frequenter of Infernos who was in town and wanted to live the good old days all over again), which brought cover to £5 a head. Coat check was an additional £2 per hanger.
My group walked in sober on a Fri night and quickly realized we were probably the only ones who were not in the «we ended up here because we’re all too drunk to know any better» camp. Straight discothèque if there ever was one, tacky 70s décor and all. Sticky floors, musty smell. Two large separate bar areas manned by a handful of bartenders kept the wait time to get a drink reasonable. Not a single person opted for bottle service the night I was there, which was just as well because I would have prob looked at anyone spending money on bottle service here like they were cray. There is a stage above the dance floor where those affected by liquid courage busted the most ill coordinated, drunken and hence immensely entertaining moves.
Everyone seemed to be in their early to mid 20s (or just acted it), on the prowl and looking to pull. Music was great for dancing and everyone on the dance floor looked like they were having the time of their lives.
Cheesiest club ever. Ever ever. Best of times.

Never ever had a bad night — last night was no exception so much fun. People are all really friendly music is good.

This is a very busy club and I have been a few times before. It has a couple of floors and plays a wide range of music. It is definitely better to go here later on in the evening.

Worst management ever! My friend had her phone stolen out of her hands on the dance floor and the staff sent her to the back of the pay line when she tried to report it. After over an hour and asking to see the manager we finally saw him and he was of no help at all. He just kept saying it must have been a misunderstanding. Never offered any help or apologies. This manager is rude and obviously cares more about making money in entry fees than making sure his customers are safe. Don’t contribute anything to this manager or establishment!

Yes, the place is in stabby Clapham and it does look like something out of a twisted and unreleased Austin Powers sequel (or maybe even scenes of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas). However, if you will yourself (and by ‘will’ I mean get sloshed elsewhere before moving here) it’s actually quite a fun throw-​back to some of the bad clubs in university.
It’s not cheap to get in but it’s open way later than anything in the area. And its a pretty notorious place to cross of your list if you are a banker and/​or other professional who has grown accustomed to, uh, how do I put it– ‘less funky’ places.
DO’S & DON’TS
–Do go with a lot of friends and make sure everyone is the same level of drunk to avoid one group member running away.
–Don’t look at the carpet which resembles something Kesha puked on after the filming of Tik Tock.
–Do enjoy two large bars serving anything you want until late.
–Don’t go out with your girlfriends here for a civilized night out.
–Do embrace the general cheese and the bad-​but-​good old music.
That should keep you having a decent night out. And if worse comes to worst, you won’t remember any of it anyway.

Just awful. Think the other reviews have this place covered. £10 entry and ridiculously priced drinks. Never again.

This club is just bizarre!!! £7 entry??! And it feels more like a club in Blackpool than in London… its very cheesy and dated. It also smells really bad!

On vacation in London a friend of mine (a local to Brixton) brought me to Infernos. He did warn me that the carpeted dance floor would be sticky and covered in unidentifiable stains. However he failed to tell me about the smells. I have not attempted this, but I imagine if you took old gym socks, rotten fruit, and motor oil, blended it on high, then did a line of it — you might get close to the same scent.
The bathrooms smelled great in comparison though! 2 stars!

Well well well, what can you say about this place?! For those who frequent Clapham High St, this club needs no introduction. Or review for that matter. No matter what anyone says about it, this place packs out at the weekend and charges extortionate amounts to get in (for the value of what’s inside anyway). So they’ve obviously found something right…
I really want to say that this place is sweaty, dirty, cheap (not in a nice way) and tacky. so I will. Because it is. Carpeted floors get sticky from the second you walk in, everyone is at least 4 shots the wrong side of drunk and the bars are SO busy you can NEVER get served.
But, against all my better judgement, I LOVE IT. Which is why it’s getting more than ¹⁄₅ on the rating. It costs to get in, don’t ever go there unless you’ve gone to 2+ bars beforehand to be suitably drunk, buy only Jäger Bombs and don’t go alone.
Follow these rules and you and your friends will be treated to a night of cheesy music, cheesier chat-​up lines and some sweaty dancing. All in all, it’s hilarious!

Oh. Oh, dear.
You’ve landed in Infernos.
Chances are if you’ve visited this hole it wasn’t of your own choosing. If it was, my sincerest congratulations on being able to read up to here in the review without any assistance.
Where to start…
Music: If you don’t care what you listen to and are happy to grind with perverts and skanks to a set that would embarrass the poorest of wedding DJ’s, welcome home.
Clientele: riddled.
Décor: decaying brothel.
Prices: alarmingly high, but I suppose you are paying for an ‘experience’.
One of the main issues with this place is that it doesn’t regard itself as a dive. It thinks it’s fun, it encourages women to dance on podiums, is ridiculously over priced, and you can tell they’ve tried to market and decorate it as something a bit quirky (carpeted walls, animal print, velvet etc.) but it’s stained with alcohol, vomit, and the obliterated dignity of all those who entered,
I’ve been there four times (glutton for punishment I know) and I learned my lesson.
If you need the people explained mean girls cafeteria style, here goes:
The «I’m not from London but it’s my birthday and this looks fun and i’m wearing a feather boa and I’m going to get pregnant from a guy named kev in a wheelie bin by 2am» crowd
The ‘Rugby’ lads from uni who everyone rolled their eyes at, especially when they took their clothes off on the dance floor to the Baywatch theme tune. (Guess what, horrible traditions don’t die…)
The ‘wearing costumes because we’re obviously hilarious but one of us will be crying in a toilet because laura is a total slag and knew I liked that guy’ crew.
Drunken fight-​starters and grabbers. (As I say, been there four times. Seen seven fights not involving anyone I know, started on twice myself, and as for number of female friends groped inappropriately… I might have needed one of those doorman style clicky number things to tally that).
To summarise: People from London don’t really go there if they have at least two out of their five senses in tact. If you’re with a group and someone suggests it, protest and try the less-​awful clapham grand. Or get so drunk you wake up in a cell or an ambulance.
Chances are you’ll wake up in the chicken shop next door though.
That’s usually the highlight.

As nightclubs go this place has to be one of the worst I have ever been to. Everyone comes here late, around 2am, because everywhere else in Clapham closes and this place is open until 4am, and they don’t want to go home yet. Probably as it’s their last chance to pull if they’re having a slow night.
It could have just been all the bourbon and Jagerbombs, but as I walked in I thought I had been drugged and taken into Liberace’s boudoir. The completely outdated velour décor makes you think that you’re in an Albanian nightclub in 1970 and Will Ferrell is dancing to Love Me Sexy somewhere in the middle. The place stinks of sweat and B. O made worse by the a/​c on full blast; imagine a Turkish sauna.
The music is not bad, albeit a bit cheesy, but I wouldn’t go back again if you paid me. Now ok, I drank so much that night when I woke up the next morning I found a traffic sign in my living room and had no idea how I got home, but i’ve seen better meat markets at the slaughterhouses back in Texas.

Sooo. what can I say about this place? I have been there many a time, out of a last minute night out as well as for birthdays and celebrations. and its ALWAYS a absolute CRACKER! Yes, the floors are often sticky and the place certainly isn’t the most pleasant smelling establishment in the world, but the atmosphere of PURE FUN makes it the place to go on a Saturday. or Friday.or any week night its out!!!
Get there as soon as you can, if you’ve just arrived in the brilliant town of CLAPHAM its an immediate MUST!!!

Everytime I have been to this place I have had an awesome night! Yes it’s cheesy, it stinks, you get stuck to the floor etc but its hilarious. I can totally relate to some of the bad reviews here as some are definatley true… however it makes for a far more entertaining night! Everyone is just trollied and having a brilliant time.
From a girl’s point of view the ratio mentioned below isnt exactly a massive issue… some may even argue its a selling point for the place!

I got my arse pinched many times in here by dirty, drunken girls desperate to pull.
I told them I was gay, they said they didn’t mind.

I can’t add too much more to what has already been said/​slated.
But my take
If you’re in here you are either
a) hammered.
b) being dragged on a birthday guestlist (or hen night)
c) a twat
Now I’ll admit I’ve been too many times for my own comfort but I sit squarely within the a) and b) camps. At least I’d like to think so.
When I first moved to London this was a regular haunt which I’m so so glad I grew out of. It’s practically en extension to the stundents union of the university you went to, only more expensive.
If you’re older than 23 you’re going to feel very old.

Infernos is just the pitts. We all know it, it’s been said before.
I just want to place on record a brilliant story that my friend told me: He’d been out boozing with the footy lads, and begrudingly ended up, trolleyed, bopping on the dancefloor. The DJ cut into the song to yell «Ladies… there are some bad men in here tonight!». really. Does a place get any classier than that? I think not.

Ok, if you live in South London you will end up there one Saturday night sooner or later whether you like it or not. As it’s the only club in Clapham High Street, drunken crowds pour in there during the weekends in hope of finding their true love and destiny. Not. Just kidding. Like the English dictionary explains a word ‘infernos’ is ‘the place of fiery heat or destruction’. They couldn’t pick the better name for this club. It’s overpriced — you have to pay £10(!!!) to have the honour of getting in, overcrowded and so overrated! It’s also full of men hunting for their one night stands.
By all means AVOID if you can or make sure you go with a group of friends. Don’t go alone!

I saw a man puke on himself in here and then continue to chat up my friends like it was totally acceptable! No Way Man!
This place is horrid — I can’t write more, it’s making me sick just thinking about it.

Look away now Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobics… it’s my 666^th review and where can be more fitting than Clapham’s own tribute to Dante Alighieri — yes, it’s Infernos.
In my eyes it vies with On Anon and Hammersmith’s PoNaNa as the worst club night out in town. Somewhere to avoid at all costs. So you’re swimming into that 11pm fog of weekend drunkenness somewhere in South London and you overhear vague mumbles of Infernos from your crowd. STOP! … this is an intervention. Don’t do it. Stand up and protest against the peer-​pressure. GetaholdofyourselfMAN!
Sadly, I’ve succumbed a couple of times, and with my experience I can painfully describe to you the scene that awaits you… a modern-​day 8^th Canto of hell where stag nights and hen nights battle it out for the supremacy in Red Bull/​Vodka and Smirnoff Ice drinking battles. Music is an endless dirge of chart and 90s, décor is the same carpets from grandma’s old people’s home, and the prices are NOT cheap.
But one person’s hell is another’s paradise and that’s what keeps this mammoth of a club packed full each weekend, seemingly with half of Kent, Sussex and Surrey making their way up here to drink, vomit and then get scampi and chips from the place next door. It’s truly not my idea of fun, but others seem to revel in it. Why? I guess because it’s so fantastically easy to pull here and that’s all that matters.