Panda Express

Usual Panda Express fare. The kids like it, but let’s not kid ourselves that this is good Chinese food. Service was absolutely surly and confrontational. I attributed it to a language barrier. My wife attributed it to them being surly and confrontational. Of course we will repeat… the kids love it… but likely not this location since we don’t live in the area.

I’ve gone here a few times and it’s always been okay. I went there tonight and the first thing I noticed was that the cook who had semi long hair for a male wasn’t wearing a hair net at all. Yes he was wearing a hat but his hair went past his ears so it was hanging out all over the place. And he also was grabbing the meat to cook with his bare hand! No gloves! Yuck! When I got home my orange chicken tastes so gross it was like it was grilled with some nasty oil. Not a fan.

5 Trays empty. Chow mein empty. I did not believe rating at first. Most food looked old and dried out. Not comfortable taking pictures. And they ran out of chop sticks. Believe the rating. Actual orange chicken and chow mein dry, chewy. Does not taste like and Panda that I have ever tasted.

I came to Panda tonight to grab a quick dinner after work, and was pretty excited to try one of the new featured dishes. I came up to the counter, and the lady that helped me was rude and short. I asked for what I would have liked to try and she told me, rudely, that they were out of it, and that it was gonna take almost 10 minutes to cook. I was a little frustrated that they didn’t have their new dish for me to try this time around, but I let it go and ordered something else instead. When I got to the end of the line, they were also out of spring rolls so I asked if they had any more. She rudely snapped at me that it would be another seven minutes for them to cook. Exceptionally frustrated at this point, I told her to forget it and paid and sat down. I took my first bite of my dinner and the chicken was dried out and obviously old and had been sitting out for a while, and the chowmein was pretty disgusting as well. I come to Panda Express all the time, not this location in particular, but I can assure you it will be a long time before I dine here again. I’m assuming the woman that helped me was in management of sorts, because she was the only one in a red shirt. But this was unacceptable service! I definitely won’t be back to this location!

Beijing beef and white rice for me. Pretty simple and delicious.

My review isn’t going to be quite as venom-​filled as Hector’s was previous to mine, simply because it’s not earned. No one is going to mistake Panda Express for fine dining, or even great Chinese food. It’s getting-​a-​quick-​fix-​for-​cheap Chinese food; it certainly doesn’t stir terror in the mind the way driving by a place like «Ho Ho — $ 1.25/scoop» does. Yeah… I just wonder what lost pet is going to turn up stir-​fried-​and-​diced in *their* wok.
No, the reason I’m actually reviewing Panda Express is because of 2 reasons: 1) on a Friday night after a blizzard where the line was literally 30 deep (and I have NEVER seen that at a PE before), everyone got served courteously, rapidly, and even special orders served with a smile, and 2) they have a few cool new dishes there — honey walnut shrimp (only temporarily; pity as I thought it was quite tasty, although Oriental? O_​o Iono bout *that*…) and their new Sweet Fire Chicken Breast — all-​white meat chicken, fresh red bell peppers, diced onions and pineapples, all wok’d togethe with sweet chili sauce. It’s pretty danged tasty. For chain-​oriented Chinese food… but at least PE is mixing it up a little (unintentional pun), and that deserves some props. If the food really tasted like shite, I’d knock this down to a 1 or at best 2 stars. I’m also a big fan of their black pepper chicken with sliced/wok’d celery. Some things they do well…1 or 2, just meh. (sweet/​sour pork being one of them). One could do a lot worse.

When I decided to hit this place for dinner last Saturday, I think I finally understood how you ladies feel when you succumb to the advances of a dirtbag ex. You know why you left, you know that the sex isn’t even going to be that good, you just… go.
It’s a nice racket these sons of bitches have: take the same glutinous shite that you can get around the corner at any low-​grade, takeout rat trap, wrap it in a few million dollars of top-​shelf branding, and wait for the suckers to come rolling in.
The gravelly fried rice would have been better employed as ground cover for some yuccas in a xeriscaping project. The egg rolls were wildly overprocessed and without any discernible flavor whatsoever. Want to make your own version of Panda Express’ sweet and sour pork? Take a super-​bounce ball, shove it inside a Hostess donut hole, and flash-​fry it in IHOP raspberry syrup. My other entrée, the Beijing Beef, was the beneficiary of some aggressive in-​house promo. A lit panel above the steam table line depicted two pandas squared off with boxing gloves and the headline «Beijing Beef vs. Orange Chicken: Which is better?» Wow! My mind reels with the controversy. SARS vs. AIDS! Robert Mugabe vs. Omar Hassan al-​Bashir! Oh, boy!
I’m not falling for your come-​ons anymore, Panda Express.
You make me feel cheap.
I’m deleting your number this time.
I’m done with you.