My House

*sniff* i miss you old house. oh well, on to new and better things.
my new place may not have skylights, but it does have an adorable «dressing room». yes mom, i know it would be a perfect room for a baby, but no, i’m not going to fill it with one.
i’m constantly finding odd products left by my previous resident, who occupied the house for at least 50 years and didn’t toss much. many of the bottles of chemicals are likely illegal by now. liquid lysol in a glass bottle with instructions on how to dilute it for a douche solution? «cock o’ the walk» canned peas? hand crank mixer? 5 electric can openers? 50 pairs of unopened garden gloves? dozens of hand-​strung long pearl necklaces? perfectly preserved eva gabor wig with care instructions? books and books of green and blue grocery stamps? unopened clairol hair dye from 1963? yes please.
my new front yard has a jungle. why oh why do people think cacti make a suitable décor decision? i don’t live in the desert. nor am i a fan of ubiquitous palm trees and ivy that covers everything. if i ever find the inspiration, i’m going to cut them all down. ok, maybe not the 100 ft palm tree.
but i have a yard! with a fence! which means i need to find a dog to fill it. i’m so excited i can’t think straight.
i even have a chicken coop. maybe i’ll steal a few of those creatures from my mom’s place, i miss their cooing, burbling and clucking.
if i ever manage to get control of the jungle and the massive amounts of possessions that i’m trying to cram into the small space that i call home, i will surely have a party. and you are all invited.

In the backyard are a dead lemon, apple, and persimmon trees. Its cold in the Summer or Winter. My father seems to be afraid of natural light. My house has no food and my room is a little cluttered but my bathroom is the size of some people’s kitchens. We have a piano that no one plays.

Events at my house…
* Annual Wine Tasting Party (40+ people)
* Annual Thanksgiving Dinner/​Party (25+ people)
* «4:20 — Time to Cook» cooking show filmed in my kitchen
* Dinner and a Stoned Movie Night
* Countless other dinner parties and ragers…
I love my home. Thank God for rent control. I’m not moving out until the housing market gets better and I find my dream house. I live in SoMa, near public transportation, and a great nightlife – what more could I want? My neighbors never complain about noise because they are young like me! Oh, and my landlord even allows dogs!!! SCORE!

The ambience is a little loud — apparently this is one of those places where people bring their screaming children. Sadly, the décor reflects the prevalence of that clientele as well. The menu is simplistic, geared toward food that can be quickly prepared with limited basic ingredients. The wine list only contains varieties of 2 Buck Chuck and stuff leftover from a party too long ago. On the plus side, it’s the only establishment I’ve seen that proudly lists Skinny Cow Fat-​Free Fudge Bars on the dessert list:
. That alone should be worth 5 stars.

My house is not really in San Francisco but I didn’t want to be one of those «first to review» glory hounds.. . that’s just not how I roll.
My House.. .Oakland, California, baby!
If you’re gonna come over to my house, just please don’t wear black. Or white. Gray is good. Gray does not show too much cat hair. There’s always the tape roller if you need it.. . oh, don’t be embarassed, I have tape rolled thousands of asses by now, yours is no different. I am working on getting a few of those yellow hazmat jumpsuits so that you can put one on as you enter and then just leave it in a bin as you leave.. .sort of like removing your shoes as you enter a house only a little more involved.
If you come on a Sunday you’re gonna get Sunday supper.. .usually something homey and comforting. . there’s always plenty of food and an extra place setting if you’re hungry. You will be fed into a food coma after which you are welcome to kick it on the couch and watch the stupidly large television I bought to watch football. You can watch anything you’d like as long as you don’t watch any show where any animals die. Those shows make me cry and so I just say «no» to those.
You will be sharing the couch with the three furballs. Mouse will probably just want to sit on your lap. The Mija will do what she does best, which is back that ass up in your face. She is saying «hi». That’s why she is also known as Ass Kitty. Tyler, super ninja cat extraordinaire, will most likely try to attack you but no worries, he has no claws and he has no fangs left either. His only natural weapon is his breath.
If the weather is nice, we can go kick it in the backyard and listen to the creek as it trickles by. If we can hear it above the traffic and banda music from my neighbors — wassup, homies…
2 stars for the food, 1 star for the furballs, –1 star for the fur, 1 star for the super cozy living room, 1 star for the backyard and 1 star for rockstar parking everyday of my life.

Coit tower to the right of me, golden gate bridge, and de young straight ahead… and the pacific ocean inhales the sun nightly as it sets over the marin headlands.
I might pay a teensy bit too much, but I adore the windows, the kitchen, the amount of space… the back patio.
And it is just me. all mine. Such a brilliant treat. If you want to pop by for a martini, glass of wine, or just some good natured jibber jabber,
too bad. This is my place. Sorry to lead you on. I just mean. I don’t need you as a friend.
Why are you reading this at all. you know what. you are starting to creep me out.
Stop reading this. Weird… it is like you are stalking me with your eyes. Are you outside right now looking at me? Now look… you have to get over this… my place is fantastic. but. come on. look here… just chill out.
Okay… I am calling the cops.

The chef is awesome when he feels like cooking. Varied types of cuisine are offered here from lamb chops and steak to ahi tuna tacos and buffalo burgers, lest not forget the pastas since he’s half italian. With the ingredients he can get at trader joes or albertsons he can make a meal that is better than most restaurants in the area. He needs to work on dessert though or hire a pastry chef, ice cream sandwiches, mocchi, and the occasional fruit pie can get old.

Five stars for the food –it’s a little expensive, but it’s worth it. You never know what’s on the menu, though — anything from blackened tuna to brisket to pasta to stir fry (it all depends on the chef’s mood, the availability of souz chefs, and how much the chef had to drink the night before). It’s usually pretty good. And the wine, oh, the wine. Often it’s a bit short on beer — especially if there’s a crowd — but it usually makes up for it with some sort of crazy cocktail. And there’s that cozy fireplace and the walking furry garbage disposal. Plus, the music is always kickass, thanks to the handheld digital jukebox known as Sonos. Really interesting artwork on the walls (and a creepy life sized blue lady wooden statue). One of the best things about it is it’s open late.
Minus one star for it not being self cleaning. And for the dog hair. And for smelling like dog sometimes. And for the clothes shoved in all the closets.
Oh, but plus one more star for the crowd. Especially the part of the crowd that does dishes. But not the ones who think it’s ok to put Palmolive in the dishwasher (true story).

Menu has an identity crisis where amateur «chefs» (who consider culinary goddess to be Racheal Ray of all people) either cook vegan junk food meals or 100% bachelor dinners of frozen pizza & tall boys of Tecate. Ocassionally will have moments of brilliance like the goat cheese mushroom quesadillas or the fantastic amazing teriyaki burger incident of 2004, but usually the food preparation here is about solving that low sugar coma that has set in after forgetting to eat for 6 hours. Incredibly strong coffee not for anyone with high blood pressure or acid reflux. Very, very, very cute cat who will talk your ear off and try to drink your wine.

+5*‘s — many varieties of excellent condiments, a well-​stocked pantry, excellent cookbook library, high-​quality liquor, good wine, plentiful hot water, washer/​dryer, no neighbors behind me, decent street parking, my blind/​deaf LOUD cat that seems to know the LEAST convenient time to jump on the bed (she is my sweet babboo, still), books, books, books, music, music, music! Quite clean with decent service. The best espresso in town.
–5*‘s — there’s generally one scary mystery vegetable resembling alien soup in the produce drawer of the refrigerator, no outside space for a bbq or an herb garden, no coat closet, small bedroom closets.
+5*‘s — Me!

The food is terrible. Last night I ordered the only things left in the kitchen:
* the last few scrapes left in a peanut butter jar
* some hippie-​multi-​grain-​cereal crumbs
* three cups of tea
* pile of rice with yellow mustard on it (surprisingly palatable)
Have they even heard of flavor coordination!!!
And don’t let me get started about the service… let’s just say it was non-​existent.
But the atmosphere? Perrrfect — great music, comfortable seating, and free Internet. It’s the kind of place where you could lounge around in your underwear and no one would stare.

Playing scrabble or yelling snarky comments at the tv while driking cocktails and cooking friends dinner is more fun than almost anything else.