Girl Scout Cookies

of course i love girl scout cookies… but my scale does not!
girl scout cookie season is stressful for me since my daughter (ahem me) sells these delicious cookies.
my favorite are the lemon ones… so glad they are back!!!
no wait… i love the samoas… mm
or maybe my favorite are the thin mints…
you know .i love them all… except those one’s with raisins… ya…raisins don’t belong in cookies.

Unpopular opinion: GIRL SCOUT COOKIES ARE OVERRATED.
Here is the truth: they’re not bad, they’re just average and they’re definitely not worth $ 5 a box. Y’all just hype them up because they’re not sold throughout the year. What is so special about these? The ingredients are cheap and you can get your fix all year long with grocery store dupes for about half the price.
EDIT: Originally I was going to leave two stars, but then I discovered the Cookie Cott 2016. This is a boycott organized by a bunch of religious pro-​lifer freaks that believe every time you buy a box, you’re actually buying a $ 5 abortion. I support women’s rights more than anything so I guess I take back everything I said and I am going to eat all of the sweet abortions.

$ 5 a box now! I love my niece and all but damn, this is hitting me where it hurts. I’ll be buying ONE box this year. Thanks a lot inflation.

Do any of these slogans sound familiar? They should! They are the tag lines for the billion dollar enterprise known as beer!
Australian for beer… Fosters
It’s all about the beer… Heineken
Great Taste… Less Filling! … Lite
The beer that made Milwaukee famous… Schlitz
Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water… Coors
The One and Only… Newcastle
Miles Away From Ordinary… Corona
Good things come to those who wait… Guinness
It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This… Old Milwaukee
It’s beer. HOORAY BEER! … Red Stripe
It’s The One Beer To Have When You’re Having More Than One… Schafer
It’s a bit gorgeous… Boddington
Head for the mountains… Busch
Sooner or later you’ll get it… Dos Equis
You never forget your first girl… St Pauli Girl
The king of beers… Budweiser
America’s World Class Beer… Samuel Adams
I Am Canadian… Molson
The Champagne of Beers… Miller
Here’s to good friends, tonight is kinda special… Michelob
I have a body built for beer! I should be doing beer commercials. But I somehow became a pitchman for cookies, WTF!
Did you know the Girl Scouts sell $ 7,000,000+ in cookies each year thanks to me? Yup its all true.
I got me 2 daughters in Girl Scouts so I am forced to sell cookies every year for the rest of my pitiful life! The quality of some of these cookies has been dwindling in flavor and I have caught some slack from several long time (suckers) buyers.
GS cookies are made by two different bakers Little Brownie Bakers (LBB), a subsidiary of Keebler, which is owned by Kellogg’s; and ABC Bakers, a subsidiary of Interbake Foods, which is owned by George Weston Limited. ABC Bakers has been licensed to produce Girl Scout cookies since 1936. Up to 18 varieties of Girl Scout cookies are offered. The same cookies may be sold under different names by the two different bakeries, with the choice of bakery determining the name. Hence the fact that some of the cookies share two names depending on where you get em. Think Meth/​Ice.
So as I am a beer connoisseur let me be your guide for all these freakin cookies! I have listed them from most popular to almost extinct.
25% Thin Mints (ABC & LBB) Thin, mint-​flavored chocolate wafers dipped in a chocolate coating. Refreshing and addicting! The crack of GS cookies. Buy a belt with them cause after a few boxes you’ll need one.
19% Caramel deLites (ABC) Samoas (LBB) Vanilla cookies coated in caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut and laced with chocolate stripes. Never seen me a vanilla Samoan (racist cookies?) IDK but these soft cookies are perfect for 420 adventures!
Peanut Butter Sandwiches (ABC) Do-​si-​dos (LBB) Peanut butter filling sandwiched between crunchy oatmeal cookies. Another 420 favorite making up 16% of sales. A solid stoner staple food!
13% Peanut Butter Patties (ABC) Tagalongs (LBB) Crispy vanilla cookies layered with peanut butter and covered with a chocolate coating. Who you callin patty? Another racist cookie name debacle.
9% Lemonades (ABC) Shortbread cookie with lemon icing. I like to lick off the icing and pretend its a …
7% Shortbreads (ABC) Trefoils (LBB) A traditional shortbread cookie made in the shape of the Girl Scout trefoil. Not sure what a trefoil is but these are great to dunk in your moo juice!
6% Thanks-​A-​Lot (ABC) Shortbread cookie dipped in chocolate with a thank you message… I say thank you when you gimmie a free box.
4% Cranberry Citrus Crisps (ABC) Crispy cookie, made with whole grain, full of tangy cranberry bits and zesty citrus flavor. One of the newer cookies geared toward yuppie soccer moms who weigh too much.
*Savannah Smiles (LBB) Lemon wedge cookies dusted with powdered sugar. Named after an 80’s porno actress AKA Shannon Wilsey
*Dulce de Leche (LBB) Cookies with milk caramel chips. You knew the Mexicans were gonna cross the GS cookie river sooner or later. Amnesty was offered in 2012.
*Chocolate Chip Shortbread (ABC) Gluten free shortbread cookies with chocolate chips. More cookies to make overweight soccer moms feel good while they are inhaling chocolate chips like a whale eating krill!
*Thank You Berry Munch (LBB) Cookies with cranberries and white fudge chips. Never tried these yet, but they sound like they’d go good with Budweiser.
***Did you know over 30 kinds of GS cookies are now extinct. These last 4 may soon join them is their sales keep declining.
So I may never get one of my three dream jobs as a:
1) weather man (the only job you can consistently screw up and not be fired) ‘cuz I’m too ugly and don’t tan well.
2) Gong show host (hey Chuck Barris is the man)
3) Beer pitchman (god damned frogs screwed me out of a job!)
But I have faithfully resigned to be national pitchman for GS cookies.
Look me up next time you need a GS cookie fix. And don’t forget your teaching young women how to keep off the street.
P. S. These are not tax deductible but can last for up to 3 years … Trust me I know ;-)

So it all starts when these pig tailed, freckled, bright eyed little girls come knocking at my door. I try to hide and act like I’m not home. There comes a high pitched little yell, «Tia! I know you’re home I see your car! It’s Bianca and Maya!»
Another year these twin crack dealers got me sucked in. I try to say no but they pull out the big guns, those Colgate smiles and hugs. That easily I’m once again trapped in their web.
Thin mints sure give me twenty boxes. Do you young ladies have some new pants that come free with purchase? I’m going to need them. I may have to get a second mortgage to keep up with this demanding but oh so tasty addiction.
The smiles and excitement on those sweet faces is worth not fitting into pants. Oh how I love me some girl scouts… the cookies oh yeah they aren’t bad either ;-)