Sellwood Inn

Randomly ended up here for a work lunch with some people. It really isn’t a dive bar in my opinion because it was pretty clean, vacuumed, no greasy feel, etc. It’s just a regular neighborhood bar. Now this was during the day, so I’m sure it could get sleazy late at night, but it wasn’t really a crap hole feel since there was too much light, wide open space, and no deep fried foods. Food selection is limited, mostly snacks, small bags of chips, and simple sandwiches.
Bottom line is: no need to come here and the locals don’t care about what Unilocal says.

Classics never die!
If you’re a local, and by local I mean a Milwaukie/​Sellwood/​Moreland resident, you know the Sellwood Inn. You celebrated something there… if you could only remember it!
Once upon a time, I helped celebrate the end of a long night for a friend’s 21^st Birthday here. He was a happy as a clam when he met a guy named Lenny… who just happened to be the infamous «Grappler» on the old Saturday night Portland Wrestling format we had back in the day took a picture with him in a headlock… Well, I’m happy to say that upon my last visit, I was told Lenny, aka «The Grappler», was doing well and still a regular!
The Sellwood Inn is a special place. Been a tavern/​bar since the 40’s as far as I know. It’s only a place like this where they ask your name and remember it. Stopped in for a few late evening beers and I was pleasantly surprised at what I found. A wonderful barmaid with a great sense of humor, some great stories, and just the right amount of sass that says I’ve seen it all.
Good selection of beers on tap. 5 – 6 domestics and an equal amount of local brews. Full bar as well. Atmosphere is king here. They have a grand old building with carved wood tables and benches, as well as a very pretty back bar and they work hard to keep everything clean. You have pool table options on a brand new table, and naturally several gaming choices. They also have a nice outdoor patio area, and can accomodate large groups which isn’t always possible a lot of places. Happy Hour is 11am-​7pm every day, pretty awesome really!!!
Where it loses a star from me is simply that it isn’t set up to have good food options which would bring me there more often. They offer a decent selection of sandwiches, soup, and salads, but that’s about it. Never mind though, nobody is complaining and neither am I.
There’s something almost magical when a good local bar has survived this long and seen many changes. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you know it’s there. I felt very welcome here I’ll be back again… maybe I’ll have Lenny put me in a headlock just for old times sake!

I recently moved to the Milwaukie/​Sellwood area to be with my partner. We were out with friends having a great night and weren’t ready for it to end yet and ended up at the Sellwood Inn to play some pool and finish out the night. We were served and started playing a game of pool. At some point during the game my same sex partner and I started kissing, playfully, showing our affection for each other. The next thing I knew I was being asked by the bartender to «cool it». «Cool what exactly?» I responded, actually completely confused at this point. «Cool it with the making out» the bartender responded. I wish I had gotten her name. She was middle aged and had gray/​silver/​blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. I’m sure she was acting on the request of some of her patrons. At least I hope she was. Actually, it makes no difference either way. I responded «Ok, well, we’re leaving» as I was completely taken aback by her request. I wish I had thought to look around or ask who had prompted this completely bigoted request. I will NEVER patronize this establishment again, nor will I encourage anyone else to set foot in or to spend any money there. I am completely baffled that today, in the year 2015, after everything that the U.S. has accomplished over the last 50+ years (and let’s be honest, it took us way too long to get to where we’re at today with that) that I would be asked to stop showing affection for my partner, the person that I LOVE, because we are of the same sex. We were in a busy bar, in a corner, disturbing no one, except apparently the bigoted, horribly closed minded individual who complained. Whether that be bartender or patron I’ll never know. Regardless, the Sellwood Inn will make no further money off of me or my friends. I feel blessed with friendships such that when I am out enjoying the company of my friends, I have no time to notice, let alone be offended by anyone else’s romantic attachments. I only hope that the offended parties find peace within themselves and their own relationships and I wish them all the love that my partner and I have for each other, and for ourselves.

I sort of don’t know what to do with this place. I met up with a few Unilocal peeps here and was warned that this was a craphole. Yes. Yes, it is. There are a few good things about it, though. Decent beers on tap (Mirror Pond, Alameda IPA and a few others) and the bartender was SUPER nice. It’s also big enough to accommodate a larger group. I found the atmosphere humorous. You’ve got the «regulars» and you’ve got video poker. Your typical dive bar. I doubt I’d take anyone here on purpose but to meet up with a group of friends for laughs over some drinks? Sure, why not?

Now here’s a bastion of an era long gone. Unfortunately not in a good way. It’s amazing that a place like this still exists in Sellwood, where modest bungalows now fetch $ 600,000. I came here hoping for that dive bar feel, but hoping that — this being Portland — there would be quality food and drink to boot.
Not the case, as my Dad and I found out.
There were a few interesting beers on tap, so we both went for a lager from Southern Oregon Brewing — a respectable brewery. Our beer, which was served in frosted pint glasses, was flatter than goat milk. It soon became clear why. Looking around at the clientele (remember the bad guys from The Goonies?), and what they were drinking (bottles of Bud & Miller), this is not a place you go to drink interesting beer on tap. But they still buy kegs of it, and there they sit, for God knows how long.
My Dad and I couldn’t stomach the flat lager, so I asked for some replacements. «Which of these drafts gets some decent turnaround?» I asked. The lady barkeep was nice enough about it, offering me an Alameda IPA and a Mirror Pond free of charge. I gave Dad the IPA, which he said was a lot better. I took the Mirror Pond, which unfortunately was a lateral move. And I like Mirror Pond — it’s a good, run-​of-​the-​mill, go-​to pale ale. What entered my mouth was a disturbing combination of chlorine-​based sanitizer from a poorly rinsed glass, along with the algae-​esque, bacterial taste of a dirty tap. But, since it was better than the lager, and I didn’t feel like bothering the barkeep again, I drank it. We’ll see in an hour or so if there are any gastro-​intestinal repercussions.
We also ordered food, which I knew would be a gamble going in. But I was starving. We both got patty melts because, hey, at least everything should be fried, grilled and melted into sanitary conditions. And they were, including the chips, which were Lay’s served in individual bag form.
The beef had that Grade B, food service, pre– and re-​frozen taste to it. But it was cooked all the way through, which is not something I usually appreciate, but was grateful for in this circumstance. The bread was lightly grilled Franz/​Sysco/​whatever wheat bread, accompanied by melty American cheese and grilled onions. This was a meal that you doused liberally with ketchup.
The aforementioned clientele were well behaved, drinking their Coors and chain smoking on the amply-​sized patio, even if they were giving us the stinkeye. (We were not regulars, and I was dressed in professional office clothing.) I’m sure these were hard-​working folk just enjoying some brewskies after a hard day’s work, but I could imagine this crowd turning ugly after beer/​shot #20. Previous reviews support this claim.
More than anything, the Sellwood Inn is a fascinating study in the changing demographics of a neighborhood. This place has been here for decades, and you can smell all of the cigarettes that were smoked in that time period. This place is Sellwood 20 years ago, when the neighborhood was dumpy and white trashy — more akin to Gladstone or Milwaukie. The owners, the bartenders and the regulars all harken back to this era.
I wish I could have enjoyed this time capsule phenomenon, but the ugly truth is that the food and drink here are HORRIBLE. A place like this will not survive much longer in Portland, a city where restaurant owners, chefs, brewers and mixologists are constantly raising the bar. I give this place 2 years. I look forward to whatever occupies this space next, provided that they do a thorough cleaning.

You know what? The truth hurts, bitch!
That was our catch phrase for the rest of the evening after being treated to a highly entertaining conniption had by one Joan Osborne look-​a-​like at this bar, who starting picking on some other gal for no apparent reason, ending her verbal tirade with, «The truth hurts, bitch!»
Recipient of said tongue-​lashing was so loaded she probably should have been cut off anyway, but this is also the kind of place where those little OLCC «rules» about serving food in a liquor-​selling establishment are also widely ignored. A menu exists… but I couldn’t tell you what’s on it and don’t try to get any snacks when it’s busy in there.
Here’s the simple truth about the Sellwood Inn: it’s ai’ght, but nothin’ to write to your Mama about. It’s got a few games, room for groups, big olé bar, and benches for your booty. A very small pour of Makers was $ 6.75.
There’s a nice patio out back, which may lead to a warmer-​weather stop by, and, God-​willing, some more fights. I do love me a trashy little tiff. It’ll do in a pinch, but not my first choice in Sellwood.

[gah, had to edit this review because my memory of which place was which during the pub-​crawl was, shall we say, a bit blurry?]
This place started out okay, nice older lady working the bar, decent beer selection, arcade games (including the very popular Big Buck Hunter).
However, within 20 minutes, the natives started to make us a little anxious. First there was the big bald guy who’d been at our first stop, Jake’s, who walks by and mad-​dogs us. Next there were the two women at the wrap-​around bar behind us who started into a catfight, for no apparent reason. Let’s just say that the sentence which rung out was «The truth hurts, bitch!» which was preceded by the same woman calling the other one insecure and blaming her for ruining it for all womankind, or some other such horseshit.
Luckily, our time was up, as apparently it devolved into full-​on catfight just as we were leaving. Yikes.

Who knew that Sellwood had so many dive bars? Not I, until recently, when someone set up a dive bar crawl in this little hood. But that’s the beauty of life… you never stop learning.
Sellwood Inn has a few things going for it, namely the large back patio and a nice bartender. Ok, well, and it has a fairly clean space inside, some video poker, a pool table, a knock-​off version of Big Buck Hunter (called, like, Small Game Poacher or something), and some really interesting carved-​wood benches. But I think a lot of other dives have the same components (save the crazy carved wood benches). The atmosphere is what you make of it… there’s nothing here to entertain you aside from the machines and table mentioned above. Well unless there’s some drunk, WT ladies in the bar fighting and causing drama… which at least on the night we were in actually happened.
As far as drinks, the bar has an ok selection of pretty much mainstream big-​brand booze. It’s the standard minimal dive bar collection of spirit offerings. The beers on tap are better than your average dive, with some interesting micros on. It’s no Horse Brass, but hey… it’s the Sellwood Inn! The drink prices are not that cheap for being a dive bar — with call booze (like Tanqueray) in the $ 5.50 to $ 6 range, so that’s kind of a downer.
The food situation is grim. Don’t count on getting anything here, especially late night.
The Sellwood Inn doesn’t quite have enough redeeming qualities as a bar to merit much in the way of a positive tome here, but the patio shows off its potential quite well, and I’m sure when summer rolls around, we’ll be making a trip back to see how things run around there in the daytime.