Old Port Slice Bar & Ice Bar

I’ve eaten a lot of Pies across the US, travel way too much — every time I come to the fine city of Portland, I hit my boys across the street from the Hyatt Place — people, they make pizza. Forget those other reviews from your Papa John and Domino’s eaters, of course they’re not into this — they don’t know pies. These boys make pies. Hugs guys,

The four of us had been drinking. I must have had four fingers of rye whiskey and a can of ‘Gansett. It was time to head into the Old Port, and someone suggested Ice Bar. I had been there before. It’s fine. I can get a High Life for ninety-​nine cents there. Works for me. I was a little too buzzed to care either way. We stepped into the establishment, which is Slice Bar on the first floor. They specialize in crummy pizza. The place was filled with smoke. No, not atmospheric machine-​generated fog creeping down from the upstairs bar– it’s smoke– the kind of smoke that might be the result of half the toppings of a bbq bacon chicken pizza falling into the bottom of the conveyor oven as it’s slid in to cook. Perhaps they hired that kid from college that shoved a muffin in the toaster and started a fire in the dining hall. That’s all speculation.
What happens next is the reason I’m writing this. We made our way up the very stairs I used to climb as a boy when the building was occupied by Granny’s Burritos. At the top, I was greeted by security, who was checking IDs. I pulled my license out and watched my card in the man’s hands. Now, I’ve seen people give IDs a bit of a bend when authenticating them. It’s no big deal. Licenses are pretty flexible, and it highlights the intricate security details in the cards. This man, however, bent it as if he aimed to fold a greeting card or something. I half expected him to say «and this is how to make an origami swan» as I watched my ID fold onto itself. He handed my card back with a nice crease in it. What exactly did he accomplish in doing that? How many other cards has this man creased? He’s like that kid from college that you let borrow a textbook and he returns it with bent pages as bookmarks. THAT BOOK WASN’T CHEAP, TOM.
I had my expired High Life (that’s why they’re so cheap) and it was cold and fine. The end.
2 stars for unnecessary roughness.

I have always been of the opinion that it is impossible to make a really bad pizza. How wrong can you go with bread dough, tomato sauce and cheese? Even meh pizza is usually ok when you’re hungry enough.
I stopped in to the Old Port slice bar in the early evening to get one slice to go for dinner. The selections behind the glass looked old, dried out and tired. I looked at each sorry pie, trying to find the least sad looking.
The nice guy behind the counter described each pie to me. Slices ranged from $ 3 – 5 each. As I kept staring at the pies, hoping one would emerge looking fresher than the others, a voice in my head started thinking «just leave, you don’t HAVE to buy a slice here!», and while I am in no way shy, I was in a hurry, so just took a shot and ordered a plain cheese slice.
It was heated in the oven for a minute or so and packed in a to-​go box. I drove to my next appointment and sat in the car for 5 minutes to eat. Wow, was that bad pizza.
Here’s the thing. I can deal with greasy (I had extra napkins) and I can deal with a super thin crust, but this pizza had both of those things and absolutely NO flavor. The tomato sauce had no flavor, it tasted like wet nothing and the cheese had NO flavor, it tasted like bland soft wax. This is not good.
I urge the people who run the Old Port Slice bar to rethink their primary product. They are in a great location and this town is FULL of amazing cooks. I am absolutely positive they could offer a far better signature product. In the meantime, I would urge people to take their pizza money elsewhere.

Good spot to grab a slice or order a whole pie. Thin floppy cheesy slices, a bit greasy but perfect for mingling with a belly full of liquor. Best part, they are open late enough to get some after the bars close.
As far as the upstairs being an ice bar, not so much. The bar has a sheet of ice filling the center, where patrons can belly up and order cold cocktails. No ice sculptures or shot luges here. It is a cool idea but needs a bit more or a new theme.

Two star for the 99 cent high life’s and cute bartenders. Negatives for the decent slice that costs an outrageous $ 5. I’m from Boston and you can’t find that kind of price gouging in the city. Fix it.

Pizza was great — think crust, lots of toppings and good flavor. The décor is rudimentary, but it’s not meant to be a sit down for a meal place (I don’t think), but a grab a slice and had downstairs or outside for a drink at a local bar. I’d recommend it!

The pizzas looked great sitting there but the buffalo chicken slice we got was mediocre at best. I didn’t like how it was just a plain red sauce cheese pizza with bits on chicken on top when usually good buffalo chicken is a white pizza. The sauce also wasn’t very good. It would’ve been passable if it was $ 1 slice like in NYC but at $ 5 for the slice it was way overpriced.

Gross pizza. They let the pizza in the front sit out for what looks like a very long time– probably because they don’t get many customers. They then put the already cold sitting out pizza back in the oven after you order and cook it for a few more minutes. It then comes out burnt because it’s old and now overcooked. Gross tasting too.
Not very friendly employees either and don’t seem to understand when you speak to them because they just stare at you confused when you order. They just stare at you while you eat too… It’s kinda of awkward hah…
Just gross and bad service. There’s plenty of other pizza places to choose from in the area.

The pizza is priced right, but just not good. Way too much cheese, ok crust, forgettable sauce. Too bad because I had high hopes.