Foothill Employment and Training Connection

Recently I was fired (you know, for Unilocaling too much on the job). So I did what everyone does in this situation and sought governmental assistance. After nearly two months of being unemployed (and so far, having only received one-​week of money) I received a letter summoning me to the Foothill Employment and Training Connection. The letter said to be at the office at exactly 1:00 p.m. to receive customized job search training. The letter warned of not being late and said a failure to show could result in pimp daddy (that’s me) not gettin his scrilla! So my fat ass was there at like 12:57!
As a side note, if I ever decide to just full-​blown cross-​over into the underworld and become a for-​real meth-​dealer, the parking lot here will be my home-​base point of operation. Suffice it to say that a few of the people who frequent this place probably have a little habit situation happening.
The décor inside is straight-​up county office government style. It’s basically the DMV meets the post-​office meets a jury waiting room. Approximately 15 plastic chairs, in rows, face a wall with a television mounted at a ceiling corner. Good news, Judge Judy is on! Bad news, no volume. There is a bulletin board right by the front door with some flyers. The first one was advertising for Salvation Army bell ringers needed for the holiday season and the flyer beneath that was advertising the office now being a location where people can apply for food stamps. That’s a relief, huh?
I checked-​in and was asked to see my papers. It’s like I need to prove citizenship to collect minimum wage unemployment but recently the California Supreme Court ruled that being in the country legally is not a requirement for being allowed to practice law! Okay, that’s cool. I don’t really like lawyers anyway. I asked the lady at the desk what this was (as up to this point all I knew was that I was here for customized job search training). Specifically I asked how long this process would take and if I would be meeting with anyone. She said, «no, your group will be taken back in a few minutes.» So apparently it’s customized group job search training? 1:10 p.m. comes and goes. 1:20 p.m. comes and goes. 1:30 p.m. hits and everyone is herded into a windowless conference room that was about 50-​degrees inside. Another 10-​minutes comes and goes waiting in the ice box.
Finally a guy comes in and says, «sorry for the wait, I thought this started at 1:30.» Like pimp daddy (remember, that’s me) got his fat ass in there with three minutes to spare to insure he has some cheddar in his wallet for some decent munchies later. What the hell, bro? But, whatever, it’s all good. Truth be told, he was just cutting into my Unilocaling time anyway. Like, I am unemployed. The man says, «so basically, you all just need to make sure you have your resumes updated on CalJobs before Friday.» He went on to say that to get paid, everyone needs to rearrange a word or two on their CalJobs resume every few months to «look active.» His «training» was maybe two-​minutes long and we were dismissed. Beautiful. Off to Tommy’s for some chili-​dog action.