Hobby Lobby

Had cause to darken the doorway of the fabric tassel capitol of ‘Merica the other day. My car tried to save me; kept veering away and swerving to the other side of the road, as if it sensed my hesitation. But girl beats car, parks car, and then gets the cold sweats. I gird my loins as I stroll past the overwrought furniture in what should actually be a holding bay for shopping carts.
As I walk into the belly of the beast I sniff the air, like the tracker I am. It is a mix of all things unholy: Chintz. Bedazzled picture frames. Fake flowers. But there’s something else in the mix… What is it? I can’t quite put my finger on it. Holy Jee… tiny baby…
ohmygoditisSEPTEMBER and HALFTHESTORE is CHRISTMAS. Now why in the name of the morning after pill would Christmas supplies need to be purchased in September? Is that just when the children of the third world prefer to make these tiny mangers? Is that the cheapest time of year to have a Chinese child monogram bible slogans onto throw pillows? I’m just at a loss, man, because, like summer just ended! Like last week. Sometimes I just feel like I don’t belong. Actually, I blame this type of commercialization on why I end up dreading Christmas every year by the time the calendar finally rolls over to something we’ve had crammed down our gullets since BEFORE the BEGINNING of Q4!
Also– HAVE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE SEEN PINTEREST? Does this store have professional buyers? Are they like 87 years old? You know, Pinterest? It’s a really popular site on the internet. The internet… maybe you’ve heard of it? Yes, that’s right, it is the place you go to find that new Bernina pattern for your DAR doll dresses! Well, there are also some super cool ideas on there.
But you don’t carry ANY of the things I need for any of these crafts I’ve been planning. Perhaps you’ve heard that chevron prints are wildly popular. Well in Hobbylobbyland, we’re still doing paisley earth tones… No, I know that stuff was popular in Gallarida homes circa 2003. But they’ve had their homes redecorated three times since then. Why is this still what we’re doing? Giant oversized crosses in a faux distressed metallic? Apparently the new thing is tiny, fake wooden steamer-​type trunks in different colors. Is that some sort of metaphor from a sermon I missed?
I’d like to think they could do better, but I know they can’t. It’s gonna be puff paint and singing Santas and «You Go Girl» posters and hot pink zebra jersey and silkish flowers until kingdom come. Which from the looks of things is very, very soon.

Some fake bling for the tacky outfit you want to wear? Check!
Several different glues to glue your siblings to the toilet seat? Check!
A cheesy lawn ornament to beautify your home? Check!
This large chain store carries all your hobbying/​crafting needs! Great for any type of hobby, all your home decorating needs, or for those moments when you just want to create something, anything! It carries stuff that Joann’s and Michaels doesn’t and every week they have different sales. My poor bf gets dragged out to this store frequently just so I can rummage through all the aisles and plot out what to buy before we leave Oklahoma. Just give me some food and water and I can spend forever in here (or until I run out of money).
Oh hobby lobby! How I wish you were in California too! :(Why do you not exist on the west coast??? BOOOOOO!!! If the owners of the company are reading this: COME OUT WEST! I’m going to miss this store when I go back to Cali! *sob*