J P Morgan Chase Bank

SCAMERS

The problem with getting good service these days is that restaurants, department stores and coffee shops all take your patronage for granted. Yeah, they can be pissy to you today, but the fact of the matter is, with a company as large as Starbucks, you’re going to visit them again someday and still give them your hard earned cash. Chase, however has helped me put businesses in their place. They are on my side when it comes to, «getting what you paid for.»
To be completely honest, I cannot stand the multitude of fees and charges that banks get away with. Not to mention that banks (in general, not specifically Chase) pretty much helped bankrupt our economy and helped ruin the American dream. It’s no joke that many jokes, joke that the American dream involves being in debt… haha — we all will be speaking Chinese soon.
Anyway, as I get back on track, Chase is on my side when it comes to demanding and making sure you have great experiences, or else.
If you follow my reviews, then you would know, a most recent visit to a Smokehouse in Wahiawa turned out to be a very negative situation. For the sake of this review we will call that smokehouse, «Wolly’s». What makes Chase so great is, after I had that terrible experience, I was able to explain the terrible service to Chase, and tell them that Wolly’s was an all out 1-​Star experience, of which I will never return to again. Chase felt my pain, understood the issue, and refunded all of my money. Now Molly’s…err Wolly’s is out the money they should have never received for their incredibly terrible attitude and sub-​par food. They are accountable for the way they serve their patrons, and they need to understand that tips come from outstanding service, and it’s not a given.
Overall, banks are the devil. They are never part of your ohana, no matter how many times they repeat it via a recording while you’re on your sixth minute on hold. But while they secretly rip you off with service charges and fees, it’s good to know that Chase is willing to help you as a Unilocaler on your crusade to get great service and not be bullied into gratuity.
³⁄₃₆₅

My beef with Chase banking aside, this specific branch should be avoided.
On vacation, I was attempting to work out some issues with my account. After I used the ATM out front, I had to speak with an actual banker. I literally sat down at a desk, handed over an ID and Chase card, transferred money, the whole lot. I said thank you, proceeded to make a phone call in the lobby (regarding bank issues), then asked to use the restroom AND speak with a banker AGAIN to resolve another issue with my account. They told me «they were for employees only.» Company policy. I told them thank you and that I would find a more helpful branch and walked out.
JP Morgan Chase Bank has plenty of my time and money, the least they could do is let me take a piss.

«Annnnndd it’s gone.»
I used to bank with WaMu until recently. It wasn’t a match made in heaven, but it wasn’t getting gheyed by Tommy Lee’s giant dong either. It was more akin to a loveless marriage where at least I knew I’d be fucked apathetically and infrequently. Because that’s what banks do — fuck you.
Used to be a time when banks would be grateful for allowing it the privilege of deflowering your black asshole. It would show its appreciation by wining and dining you with free checking, a new toaster, or a lifetime of free checks. Not anymore. The new breed bend you over the couch like a scene outa Kids: your pants wrapped around your ankles and not even the common courtesy of spitting onto your dry asshole, all the while whispering «Shhh…it’s okay, it’s me, Casper.»
Much like an eight-​year-​old altar boy living in Massachusetts, us free checking WaMu assholes knew we were on borrowed time after J.P. and his cronies took over. Well that day has finally come.
Recently I received a notice (read: ransom) informing me that I must maintain a minimum daily balance of $ 1500, have a minimum direct deposit of $ 500 or more in any given month, or maintain an average balance of $ 5000 or more in several accounts, else risk being fined. Not that most of us can’t meet these demands, but the simple notion of paying to bank somewhere is supersugarcrisp. Banks take our money so they can lend it back to us at interest. On top of that they want us to pay a monthly «service» fee? That’s like getting raped then paying for your rapist’s gas and mileage.
So because of the banker who once orchestrated a coup d’état assassination plot against FDR, I am now looking to take my money elsewhere out of sheer principle. (No more late-​night Netflixing documentaries for this conspiracy theorist.)
If anyone can recommend a good local credit union, please hit me up. Thaaanks.

It has taken weeks, WEEKS for these morons to fix a mistake THEY made! And it’s still NOT fixed. I wrote a check for $ 400 and they posted it at $ 4.00! I called SO many times before some telephone tough guy said «I’ll take care of it».
I had 2 CHASE cards, both of which are now cut up into little pieces.
DO NOT use this bank or its credit services!!!

WARNING TO ANYONE WHO HAS A CHASE VISA CARD — PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE — Read the fine print. on your next statement. If you miss paying your bill in full — by even $ 0.01 — you will be assessed a finance charge based upon the HIGHEST average daily balance on your account. This is bad news for anyone who uses their credit card for travel, for major purchases, or high ticket items. Instead of appreciating the card holder who uses the card frequently, this detail from the small print is a TRULY EGREGIOUS slap in the face, not to mention written in obscure language and hard to understand until you call the ersatz customer service line … SWITCH IF YOU CAN — MASTERCARD IS GETTING MY BUSINESS ONCE I PAY MY FINAL STATEMENT.