Cypress Inn

If somehow magically shrunken and forced to take shelter in the diseased ridden musty crevices of a 50cent prostitute, i’d be much happier than have to stay another night at this ridiculous excuse of a hotel! Not only were the rooms dirty, nasty and smoke scented, the house keeping staff were incredibly rude! Just about the only good thing about this poor establishment is it’s close proximity to Sailfish Grill. (Which by the way has a great Spinach and Artichoke dip that comes with fried bowtie pasta.)
Upon opening this tomb, the wretched fumes of cancer thriving smoke fills your nostrils causing a reflexive gag and puckering of your anus. Why the the anus puckering? It’s the bodies natural defense mechanism to close all access from any unwanted foreign matter. After stepping foot into the depths of this hell, you notice the musty bed spreads which look to not have been washed since 1964. If you are adventurous and care to peak into the bathroom, you’ll see the toilet was last cleaned about the same time as the bed spreads. In fact, the bed spreads were probably cleaned IN the toilet. To give you a clue of the normal patrons who use this establishment, you can notice cigarette burns on the side of the bathtub which are located conveniently as if someone was taking a hot shit while smoking and occasionally setting their cigarette down to turn the magazine page or wipe their vagina or ass… j/​k. They probably didn’t wipe.
Since this was the only and last resort, Like the tale of Job in the Bible who had to suffer… I too had to suffer this personal 12×15ft hell. It can’t get any worse can it? Yes… yes it can…
After a sleepless night in which I swore a drug dealer and 2 prostitutes accessed my room to conduct business, I was awakened by a knock at my door. Well, it sounded more like a banging of which should have been followed by «IT’S THE POLICE, OPEN UP»…i’m talking LOUD and HARD (just like the prostitutes in the room next door). After my heart attack, I managed to get to the door and open it up to find 2 house keeping ladies!!! WTF?!! All they asked was if I needed room service. Had I not been in my state of shock and awe, I would have surely told them every thing that needed attention to the room. Somehow, I think they probably already knew. But why would you awaken someone at your establishment 4 hours before checkout to see if they needed the room cleaned? it wasn’t even 8am yet and they took action! My guess is they knew I was to check out that day wanted me checked out as soon as possible so they can get on with their day.
I’ve visited some garbage hotels in my travels, but this one takes the cake. I’m contemplating a visit to urgent care for some vaccinations.
DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT STAY AT THIS HOTEL.