Quest Diagnostics

Gotta show some love for the hardworking men and women for whom we willingly pee in cups, without ball gags and fetish clothing. Isn’t this the de facto drug testing facility for the casino and service industries? I haven’t had to come down here in almost 3 years, but I did accompany a friend recently to this location, conveniently located across from a CVS and a commercial plaza. My left leg was… tingly in a weird spot, around my knee cartilage. I attributed this to the expired sugar-​free Red Bull I drank at work the night before. Why? Because it was in the fridge and people have jacked my Rockstars before. It wasn’t until I flipped it over that I noticed…09/2007. Hmm. A year equals the five-​minute rule when it comes to energy drinks, right?
I told my friend to call or text me once he’s done and I wished him luck as he disappeared into the packed lobby area. To try and take my mind off the funky rubbery feeling (kind of like when you chain-​smoke 3 Menthol 100s and stand up suddenly) in my leg, I wandered over to CVS and browsed their energy drink selection. And magazines. And stuffed toys. And condoms (holy 30-​pak!). And greeting cards. And… wtf was taking him so long? Wasn’t he scheduled for 3pm? Did he not follow directions and shit in the cup? With two girls? What the hell?
I decide to let it hang and go across the street. I settled my month’s insurance installment with State Farm, snacked on some pastries, and walked around the block. Dude, it’s fucking hot. Irritated, I go back into the Quest. Whoa, snack bar with Reuben sandwiches! Score! I decide to ask about the funky feeling in my leg. Apparently, some of the ingredients in the Red Bull had alkalized (or something) and the tech basically said I’m lucky I didn’t drink it on an empty stomach because it would have torn through the lining. Like ALIENS and shit. Wow. I hope he was messing with me.
So my friend comes out 20 minutes later, paperwork in hand. Very professional, he said. Instead of taking a pee sample they do hair at this location!
Cool. I guess that means they’ll have to get it… elsewhere…the next time I come in for a drug test.
In and out within 65 minutes. Not bad, considering it was past 2pm on a Friday and there was a long line when we got there.