April Fools Pub Crawl

I’d never «gone out» in Ft. Lauderdale before (yes, really!), so this was quite the eye-​opener. Of course, it wasn’t easy to get there — Yislin, Natasha, Lena and I stopped at Lou’s Beer Garden on the way for some chow, and then took the Pimp-​Mobile up A1A. A1A seemed like the most direct way to get to McSorley’s, but we had not anticipated being detained at the Broward County border by a band of machine-​gun wielding guerrillas. In order to pass, the ladies were forced to do unspeakable things while I watched with an AK-​47 pointed at my temple.
After paying «tribute,» we were finally allowed to pass and come to the endless line of notorious Broward traffic lights, which, impossibly enough, are even more poorly synchronized than Miami-Dade’s. We came to McSorley’s, probably an hour late, and tried in vain to find parking. On the second circle around, I spotted Greshka outside Primanti Brothers and jumped out of the Pimp-​Mobile to get the scoop. It turned out that we missed the McSorley’s leg entirely, so it was on to Capone’s a couple miles away.
We parked, and made it to Capones — Ft. Laudy was heaving. Immediately I noticed a huge difference between going out in the 954 vs going out anywhere in Miami — there are so many more WOMEN! Look, I grew up in Miami, I’m a big Miami cheerleader — but frankly, I’m sick and tired of going out down here and finding everything to be a damned sausage fest. I hate it. Unless I happen to be hanging out with the Lovely Ladies of Unilocal at an event, UYE or whatever, there are just too many dicks on the dance floor. But not in Broward — there was a good female/​male mix. And furthermore, the women were cute and actually seemed… friendly? Like they are out to meet dudes, and might…*welcome it*…if you tried to talk to them? Like real people? Shocking — so this is how the non-​Miami world works. If I went out up here more often, I’d have to shift my entire freakin’ paradigm.
Where was I? Oh yes, Capones. 3-​for-​1 draft Blue Moons, loud pop music, and mouth-​to-​mouth test tube-​shot-​taking as noted in my review of the same. Dicey Riley’s was next, utterly jammed; that was where I was hit on by some woman as I tried to make my way back from the restroom. How we ended up at the Poorhouse next, I have no idea, but while I was in Dicey’s, I was getting texts from Yislin saying to come over to the Poorhouse, they have Left Hand Milk Stout on draft and live music. Hey, OK. After that, us 305ers were done. I know some made it to Himmarshee Side Bar, which I am sorry to have missed.
All in all, a 954 adventure! I’m glad I could make it — many thanks to Greshka and Tanya for setting this crawl up!

How does a $ 20 liquid buffet at an Irish Pub sound? What if you’re only there for an hour? The idea of an all-​you-​can drink establishment as starting point is pretty enticing, even if it’s 1.6 miles from the next leg of the race. All you have to do is show up early, and drink-​up to get your money’s worth.
I arrived late to the initial site, and the parking situation didn’t help any. There are less than a dozen spots in the vicinity, and even the $ 10 – 15 lots were full. I finally gave up and parked in the lifeguard parking, no I don’t rescue ailing swimmers, but I felt entitled because of my ripped and hairless physique. I was going through the motions getting my Passport checked just in time to receive a txt that the pub crawl had moved to Las Olas. Oh well I still checked it out.
I’m currently taking a vote to rename McSorely’s Pub because its current name isn’t nearly as descriptive as the following;
McSloppy’s — I swear I thought the management had pumped straight ethyl alcohol through a mister because everyone was flushed, sweating, and moving with the fine motor skills of a mummy. People shouldn’t be that drunk at 10pm.
McSlutty’s/McWhorely’s — being a Mardi Gras themed crawl, you know I was blinged-​up like B.A. Baracus himself, Mr. T.
«Well you’re so UGLY, your ears stick out to get away from your face!»
You’d think these ladies had never seen a Michael’s Arts and Crafts the way they were behaving over my 100% real Chinese plastic chains. I can’t be sure how long I was there because of the influence of the aforementioned ethanol mister, but I know I had to exchange my glow-​in-​the-​dark, and disco-​ball beads to escape with my baubles intact.
I do know how long I was on the road to Las Olas Riverfront though, 20 minutes! To drive less than 2 miles! If you think O.J. Simpson suffers from road rage, you haven’t seen me on the skreets!
Luckily Capone’s was serving 3−4−1 drinks until 11pm, I found everyone quickly, and my partner in grime, Unilocaler Khary S. was buying. You may or may not know that we’ve been friends since Robin S. (not a Unilocaler) was burnin’ up the charts with this jam;
Point being, he knows my ROI (rate of inebriation). The only problem… I recently gave up beer for lent. So now I’m taking vodka, dark rum, and scotch straight to the face, and not counting, knowing that I’ll get a drink whenever I need one. Let me tell you right now that the effects of 10 drams of hard liquor are substantially greater than 10 beers. To say the least, I was irresponsibly RAGING! If you want to know why he would do such a thing to his lifelong friend, you’d also have to ask him what was the logic behind slamming Mezcal BEFORE a pub crawl. A wag of my finger at you sir!
But I wasn’t nearly as drunk as the two biggest guys in Capone’s. One of them, we’ll call the High Priest, because of the massive glittering cross on his t-​shirt. He was behaving much like a human bumper car, and well he bumped into one car too many. At this point I was expecting a long, drawn-​out UFC-​esque brawl that included smashing faces into bar furniture, and bending VIP ropes over heads. Actually it was just a quick hit and run. One punch from Sparkles, because of all his faux-​ICE, and you’d think the High Preist was actually hit by a car. The area around me was gorier than Dexter’s 2^nd Season. I’m not the biggest fan of blood borne pathogens so I was out.
I ended the night at Dicey Riley’s, and thanks to them I now know what living in a bee colony feels like. People were swarming, pulsating, and my ears were buzzing from how loud the band was playing. At this point I was starting to sober-​up, and only wanted a cold bottle of Evian, a hot slice of NY-​style pizza, and a warm bed.
G-​d I love pub crawls! It’s difficult to recreate this kind of mayhem, camaraderie, and entertainment in any another setting. I would like to acknowledge all of the Unilocalers, and the soon-​to-​be ones, for an amazing blackout inducing night, particularly Greshkarma. It was her 1^st time organizing a crawl, and it was a smashing success. Host memorable parties in this life, and many more will follow you into the next.
’till next time!

It’s time to party, party, party.
Of course it wasn’t a joke. This damn pub crawl almost had me crawling taking shots and singing my heart out with some crazy Unilocalers. The ones that came up from the 305 were super awesome and we had a ball pubbing it up with everyone.
Gresh and Tanya — It was long overdue and you made me feel like I was in college again that night. I loved every single moment of it. My hubby likes Ft. Liquordale over Clematis more now due to this pub crawl.
Hope the hangovers for everyone were short. Thank goodness I was able to sleep it off until 11:30 the next morning. Weehoo!

The five stars go to everyone that joined us and made this a fun night.
Thank you! :)
Tanya L, a friend, and I made our way to McSorley’s. The rooftop, ocean breeze and music was great but, we needed to get to our next stop and meet everyone else.
Stopped for a slice of pizza on our way, and there I spotted Yislin’s Pimp-​Mobile. Excited to see our first ‘visitors’ from the 305 area, we got our car and to Capones we went.
Here we started with their 3 for 1 loaded drinks. The rest of the night goes like this: drinking, laughing, dancing, and hopping from bar to bar. From Capones to Dicey, to Poorhouse, to Himmarshee Side Bar, and back to Dicey.
The in between comes to me in flashes: p
1. Meeting Edwin at McSorley’s
2. Patrick letting me know they had crossed ‘the county line’ and were close to meeting us. LOL!
3. Yislin and her pimp-​mobile with the crew.
4. Meeting Guil & Thais at Capones
5. Tanya giving beads away
6. Hanging with another purple lover, Natasha. :)
7. Lena behind the camera capturing fun moments
8. Rony behind the mask
9. Paul and Doris singing 80’s music at Dicey
10. Patty & husband, and their Pineapple upside down cake shots — thanks
11. Brent laughing
12. Everyone dancing!
This was a fun night and was happy to welcome all ‘visitors’ to our side of FL: p
Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did.

When Fort Laudy parties, Fort Laudy PARTIES.
Greshka and Tanya– Beautiful gracious hostesses with the mostesses, Thank you for putting this shindig together.
Yes, we 305ers spent a huge portion of our evening in Yislin’s Pimp-​Mobile but it was very well worth the trek.
McSorely’s was sorely missed as we cruised into Beach Blvd battered and bruised and parched from a journey with many twists and turns around 10:15ish.
After meeting up with Gresh, we made another long trek via Pimp Mobile to the Downtowny Ft Laudy, Riverwalky area to find to our delight a shit storm of pubs and bars and places of debauchery.
Capone’s 3−4−1 was just what we needed to get our party «on».
5 dollar beer? Check!
Scantily clad dressed hoochies shakin’ their derrieres? Check!
Drunken, delicious Ft Laudy boys? Check!
Awesome Unilocalers livin’, laughin’ and lovin’? Check!
Shot girl pushin’ her candy on us? Check!
Brent (half of the Coco and Bermie power duo) scrubbin’ the ground with random 13 year olds? Check! Gurls, you got Bermed!
Dicey Riley’s was a total shit storm of people. It was very crowded and I could barely make my way around. The music was blaring and all the Fort Laudy gurlz and boyz were gettin their swerve on.
Poorhouse– Ahhhhh yes. Awesome draft beers on the cheap. Left Hand Chocolate Stout= 5 bux!
A jukebox was being made our bitch as Natasha and me were queuing up a storm of awesomeness for everyone’s listening pleasure… and then the band began to croon. The vocalist had some serious panty droppin’ abilities. His voice was basically doin’ on one-​handed bra removal technique on the ladies.
Greshka and Tanya– you awesome saucin’ hotties, thanks for the planning and getting us 305ers some Laudy Love.
Patrick, Natasha, Lena– Thanks for takin’ a ride in the Pimp-​Mobile and puttin’ up with my «driving by instinct» You guys will have VIP cards that can be utilized sans restrictions.
Doris, Edwin– nice to meet you both and hope there’s many more good times ahead.
Rony, Khary, Paul– Handsome devils of good times, pleasure seeing you all!
Bermie– Hamin! I’ll be waiting.
Fort Laudy, whilst you are a far, far, far ways from the likes of my abode, you never cease to entertain me. I’ll renew my passport so that I may once again frolic through your cobbly wobbly streets.

Wow Ft. Lauderdale, you rocked my face last night! I never knew there was such a crazy party scene going on across the border.
After the Yislin’s Pimp Mobile’s Wild Ride transported me to another area code, the Unilocal crew was jumping off at Capone’s. Three for 1 drinks are you kidding me?!? Nope, they were dead serious. And that tiny little bartendress behind the counter had a great big ol’ pour in each of my three cocktails. Such a giant pour that I didn’t even order drinks at Dicey’s!
Dicey’s was crazy packed out, but the Unilocal crew hit the dance floor and backed those asses up to create our own party space. The band started playing every great 80’s rock cover they could think of, which led to an all out Unilocal singalong, led by Paul W.
Since my girls headed over to The Poorhouse, I jumped over and walked in as the band was getting down, with some nice funky-​bluesy-​New-​Orleansy tunes. This led to dirty dancing and some other moves that will not be mentioned. Even though, this place was packed, the service was super fast. However, my drinking downfall came from some car bombs offered up by Brent B. Of course it wasn’t the next two cocktails, that had nothing to do with it. It was definitely the shots. Oh, and forgetting that we had an eight hour drive back to MIA.
Thank goodness my wings from Lou’s Beer Garden were waiting for me in the Pimp-mobile’s backseat. Too bad for poor Bean, that the pimp-​mobile doesn’t have a bathroom. and too bad for Yislin, Patrick, and Natasha for having to hear about it the whole ride back. Yislin’s wild ride moved back south with a bevy of great memories, made with our new friends and neighbors to the north.
Great event Greshka and Tanya!