Yelpers Anonymous of Greater Dallas

My Name is Eric and I have a problem, so they say, I’m a Unilocalaholic. They say the first step to recovery is acknowledging the problem…
Wow. I can’t believe I typed it out loud. I’ve struggled with this decision for quite some time… Some folks ridicule me for always checking in, taking pictures, leaving tips, first, and reviews. Then again, I also comment, congratulate, like, and state when something is funny, helpful and useful. That said, I must admit, I don’t feel like I have a disease or a «problem» as I thoroughly enjoy each new adventure that unfolds around every corner.
You know what!?! If Unilocaling is wrong… I don’t want to be right!
Fly that Unilocal Flag proudly! I hereby re-​commit to my betrothed, my first Unilocaly love…
I, state your name, do solemnly swear to uphold to the Unilocaly truths that have been passed on from one review to another, that all businesses are created equal (but not all are equally creative). I shall always give the benefit of the doubt and look for the positive while revealing the slumlords of the world one literary moment of genius at a time!
I AM Unilocal.

Finally There IS Unilocal,I Mean HELP For Unilocaling!
SITREP
Sometimes it takes the thoughtful broadside *SMACK* across the face with a fully laminated 5-​pound 77-​page Cheesecake Factory menu by your date to make you realize your addiction with the Unilocal smartphone app is apparently more important to you than conversing with her beautiful self (both self-​proclaimed by her, yet in all fairness also pretty objectively factual) about the new-​do she just got at a fancy-​schmancy salon that she was quite proud of getting into — but then which you tell her (because apparently I have no filter) that has an overall-​rating of ONLY 2-​Stars and does not have decent current-​trending with other Unilocalers —*SMACK!* — and though you may not have deserved that first smack, you DID that second one.
Or perhaps it’s when being invited to a Business Owners Unilocal Meet & Greet in your community by your local CM (which WAS a great honor) to participate in a business roundtable & panel about Unilocal,subsequently being confronted by several business owners that you did NOT write very favorable reviews of, that you suddently begin to realize, «Shit Just Got Real» and your REVIEWS and your RATINGS have consequences to you, POSSIBLY even of a «personal safety» nature.
THE PONDERABLE POINT
It’s times like these that you need to take a step back and ask yourself, «Do I have a Unilocal-​Addiction?» (Or otherwise known in DSM XX: «yaddiction»)
THE SETUP
Important questions and self-​confessions you may need to confront could include:
* Is the first thing I do in the morning (while I’m still in bed, mind you, whether in undies or free & unencumbered), grab my iPhone and look up the local Unilocal Talk to see if that transvestite started another political thread?
* Do I always wear my Red Elite Sunglasses around my shirt collar as some «(not-so-)secret» society emblem?
* Did I actually just check into the church where my nephew got baptized? And along those lines…
* Did I actually just CREATE a new business check-​in for the baptismal tank?
* Do I enjoy fighting with trolls too much on check-​in battles? And along those lines…
* Have I gotten so invested that I’ve built a loose alliance with other Unilocalers — and even «good» trolls — to battle «bad» trolls?
* Do I *pout* and *whine* and *cry* if I don’t get into EVERY elite event I RSVP for? (And the answer to that is, «YES») :(
* Have I set up a Unilocal business name at my home and named it after my 2 black cat brother-​littermates? (And the answer to that is… also «YES» …TWICE — both my old condo and my newer home — «The Pocket-​Panther Dens»).
So then it MAY be argued I have a Unilocal-​addiction.
UnilocalERS ANONYMOUS OF GREATER DALLAS
This is where the good folks of Unilocalers Anonymous of Greater Dallas (YAGD) come in. They provide a forum and sounding board where we can come to and just vent. To admit our stupidity. To come be «beacons of warning» to others about the attendant risks to Unilocaling too much.
Thankfully with the grant money from the George W. Bush Presidential Library «A Book of One», Unilocalers now have resources to help them with their «yaddiction».
Are there unpronounceable medications? NO. Are there expensive group sessions? Of course not (well, unless you count the YEEs & CMYEs). Is there a place for Electro-​Shock Therapy? Hmm… that would be kinda cool, but I’m not aware of that option… at this time.
Suffice it to say, we are free to check in and (unlike Hotel California) we can also self-​check out.
Unilocal-​THERAPY
Thanks to YAGD (sounds like someone gagging on a rubber fetish-​ball), I’ve come to accept the fact that there are some things where there is NO CURE. Like hangovers, the way to prevent them it is to KEEP ON DRINKING.
Likewise with Unilocal.I am too fearful about what would happen if I stopped. So I’m not. So there you go…
THE LOWDOWN
Unilocal. It’s what’s for dinner (…and also reviewing what’s for breakfast and lunch, and the local drycleaner as well).

So thankful, the staff sneaked in a smart phone for this review.
Just wanted to write a few notes:
1. So thankful for all of the great Unilocalers that I have met.
2. The tasty reviews that are written so often.
3. Getting updates of future events.
4. Getting to meet such an up beat group of folks.
5. Being introduced to such a great Unilocal staff.
6. Going to fun events.
7. Being,
oh crap here they come, have to go. Brother Ben, pick me up soon…

I knew I was addicted to Unilocal but I did not know what to do about it. Every time I looked for professional help I was told there wasn’t any kind of program in existence that could help me with my extreme Unilocal addiction.
Then I accidentally happened across Ben E’s review of Unilocaler’s Anonymous of Greater Dallas. Well, you cannot believe how excited I was. I started jumping up and down and shouting things like «halleluiah» and «thank you Jesus». Then I started to think; «what if this is a fake review?»
I dropped Ben a personal message and he assured me that Unilocaler’s Anonymous was indeed for real. I immediately pulled up Google maps and began to plan my route to Dallas. There was no way I was going to go the most direct way and miss out on all those great restaurant reviews along the way. I even started planning my return route to take full advantage of as many restaurant reviews as possibly. I even planned to try to find out of the way areas where I would be certain to pick up a few «first to reviews».
Reluctantly I closed Google Maps and looked up plane reservations to Dallas. The whole point of my trip was to conquer my Unilocal addiction not to write more really awesome reviews.
Ok! I haven’t actually made it to Unilocalers Anonymous of Greater Dallas yet, but I was so excited about it that I could not wait to write a review. Who knows? I may make it there someday!?! In the meantime, expect plenty more really awesome reviews. Well; at least they keep me entertained.

Control Control, must have control!
Every now an then we all must take time to go to Unilocaly rehab. Ask yourself these questions.
1. Do people avoid you when they know you just reviewed a new place.
2. Have you questioned people «Have you read my Unilocal review yet?
3. Do you bring a pad and pen to lunch?
4. Do you get anxiety when you haven’t gotten a FUC in a while?
5. Have you ever run home in a panic to write because you saw that the place you went has not been reviewed yet?
If so you need Unilocal help, I know I did, and the people at YA can help you.
Give it the 5 star treatment!