The Bronx

A lot of people in The Bronx have a bad cough. This is because The Bronx is Ground Zero for «Bronxitis», also known as «The Black Lung» also known as «What Zoolander Got In The Mines.» If you think you may have Bronxitis, please contact your nearest medical professional at your earliest inconvenience.
If this were «The Gronks» then lots of very tall, very athletic Buffalo kids that play for the Patriots and sleep with porn stars and drink a lot, would live here. Actually nm, that’s a perfect Bronx description.
Pat really said it better than I ever could. So this review is dedicated to her, for her excellent review and for being generally awesome. And to Karen, the Goddess of the Bronx whose brilliant mind is the reason The Bronx is so brontastic. And to Spencer, for being the coolest guy in Bronx history. Literally. I mean it. I broke up with him 3 times and he didn’t even care. He didn’t cry. He didn’t break a sweat. This man has ice in his veins. Trust me. And other things in his veins too but that’s illegal so I’m not going into it.
If this were «The Monks» then there would be no sex whatsoever going on here (except maybe with boys, maybe). So basically the opposite of what The Bronx actually is then.
I’ve always loved The Bronx. I first visited this beautiful bewitching bad-​ass borough in 1999 with a girl that I loved then and still love now. We’ve roamed the Bronx together on a number of occasions and we’ve experienced everything from intimidating tower blocks, to the swanky new Yankee Stadium, to the best yummy Gyros in the whole country, the most magnificent Mexican home cooking, some beautiful Bosnian Burek, and a very impressive zoo. I’ve also played a concert in the Bronx — just once — at Bronx Bay Plaza in 2008. It was one of my most memorable NYC concerts and I’ll always have a soft spot for this borough because of that (although it’s not the spot you’re thinking of, which is always, always hard).
If this were «The Onyx», it would be a banded variety of the silicate mineral chalcedony, much like Agate. Speaking of agate, I would like to slide my Onyx into Agate right now. Do you have Agate I can use? It’ll be worth it. I promise.
There’s so much great food in Queens, and of course the more publicized Bklyn and M’htn, that The Bronx and Staten Island are oft overlooked. I’ve never found amazing food in SI (but I’m sure I will), however the Bronx has some real gems. Here is a list of the best food in the Bronx, although the list also includes the upper end of Manhattan — Harlem and Spanish Harlem.
If this were «The Lynx» then it would be a jungle cat rather than a bunch of cats in an urban jungle. Speaking of urban jungle would you like my urban in your jungle?
Here is a list of the best of the best food places in The Bronx, as reflected in the list above:
El Atoradero Bodega — the restaurant next door is no longer hers, but Lina still sells her amazing food out of the bodega, and is opening a place in Brooklyn soon. Best Mexican food ever.
Best Gyros in NYC:
(1) Gyro King Food Corps
(2) Greek Express
Also:
— Dukagjini Burek — amazing bosnian food, get the meat burek
— Louie & Ernie’s Pizza — the best slice in BX
— S & S Cheesecake — best in NYC, get slices at Van Cortlandt Deli next door if S & S is closed.
— Tamales Ebenezer — amazing tamales sold from a basket outside the store at 353 E 138^th St
— Xochimilco — great tacos and mexican fare
If this were «The Brox» then it would be the home of all of the «Brocs» such as Kelly Le Brock (swoon), Captain Brock (rip Leonard Nimoy), and Broccoli. Chopped Broccoli. Chopped Brocco-​lie.
So all in all, come to the Bronx for the real NYC. Come to the Bronx for the most affordable housing in the biggest city in North America. Come for the best Chicago-​style Gyros in NYC and perhaps in the country. Come for the Bosnian, Mexican, and the Pizza. Come for the Yankees or to see where J-Lo’s million dollar booty came from. But most of all, come here to see Spencer. Or more specifically, come here to see Spencer’s d**k.
If this were «The Brunch» then it would be a bunch of hipsters eating Salmon and Eggs while drinking Mimosas. Good luck with that. May that phenomenon never reach the BX.
And if this were «The Honx» then it would be perfect, because everyone in NYC Honks their horn, like, all the time. But if you want something to honk about, my word. Wait til you see Spencer «sans any onerous clothing.» Beep beep.

116 years later, and the BX finally has a Unilocal listing, thanks Pat F.

The Bronx, is the northernmost borough of all the five boroughs within NYC and hosts a cultural mix of Irish, German, Jewish, Italian, African Americans, Hispanics and folks from the Caribbean. With that much cultural diversity wouldn’t you expect to see an exceptional diverse cuisine? Unfortunately, that is not the case… well at least not entirely.
Since being adopted by the Bronx, I am not native to NYC, within the past 15 years or so I have noticed that there is an overwhelming majority of restaurants being either Italian or Irish at least around Throggs Neck.
Since the influx of other nationalities to the Throggs Neck/​Schuylerville area, as far as restaurants go, we have seen a smattering of Japanese, Greek, Latin, Mexican and German cuisines. And in the surrounding neighborhoods, such as Morris Park and Pelham Bay, there are Thai restaurants and a Texas type barbecue joint to expand our neighborly cuisine. If you’re in the mood for a more epicurean journey for lets say, Korean, Indian or Turkish gourmet, which on many occasions I am, these restaurants have not yet penetrated any of the above areas from what I can tell and you’ll have to make that trek to the neighboring boroughs of Queens or Manhattan.
From most of the restaurant Unilocal reviews of The Bronx, it has been clearly noted that we are no longer just the infamous quasi-​seafood of some parts of City Island or just the histories past of Italian restaurants of Arthur Ave. In a matter of years, a wider range of restaurants have popped up giving this Bronx borough those few extra flavors that have been lacking.
So to conclude, we are not as culinarily diverse as most of our neighboring boros and we surely do have a ton of competitive food gaps to be filled. But, we are slowly evolving and adding sparks of newness to our bronxite food haunts.
Okay, ‘The Bronx’, I’ve put you on the Unilocal culinary radar, hopefully peeps will start to recognize you for some of your contributions.
Bön Appétit!