Grackles

Terrifying.
These birds are mean and will gladly peck your eyes out for that sandwich you’re holding.
Ever wonder why a group of crows is called a «murder?!?» Ever since I saw that Hitchcock movie, The Birds, I have been terrified by these flying minions of Satan.
I imagine they hang out in front of the Whole Foods because vegetarians taste better, and they can’t wait to peck the hipsters as they come out with a tofu pita wrap.

Saw these dudes this weekend while in Austin. While they looked haggard and beat down by life, you just have to respect their ability to hustle.
Their love of my breakfast taco leftovers is nothing short of inspirational.

Very cool birds.

There are many things I will miss about Austin when I’m gone… grackles are NOT one of those things.
These bastards can suck my grits. They’re mean, they’re angry and they never die. Legend has it (in my head) that they aren’t born hatched from eggs– they’re created when two of them fight… which is all the time. That’s why so many have one leg. They each give up a leg to create a new grackle.
I hope that one day these birds will go back to the hell they flew out of.

What’s not to love about huge swams of birds that look like pterodactyls? It’s not that I want to own one, I just want to befriend one and for her to sometimes let me hold her and feed her bread crumbs.

I missed writing a review for you flying sacks of shit when I was in Austin so I’m reminded of you tonight…
There I was stepping out of the H-​E-​B on 1^st St & William Cannon, I saw 3 of you sitting on my bike. One on the windshield and one on each hand grip. You looked at me like I was interrupting something, squawked, and begrudgingly flew away… yeah, you know who’s boss you mouthy, feathered freaks!
So I pulled out into the maniacal morning traffic and tried to readjust my grip on the throttle, only to find my hand was glued to it with your f-​ing birdshit! You Son of a Bird Bitch!!! And, of course, this would be one morning I get all green lights, so I have to spend an entire 20 minutes with your shit oozing between my fingers.
I’ve lived in 4 major cities that I-​35 cuts through and I notice your little bird brains like to stick close to the Interstate. Not sure if I should be impressed by that or not. I just thank God I live far enough away from I-​35 in KC that I don’t have to put up with you thugs on my side of town!

Worst bird ever. Please shut up. No one cares.
kthxbai
PS – My birthday is coming up, a pet hawk would be a wonderful gift.

Well done, my Dark Purple minions. Well done. Your positions of honor are waiting for you in my ghastly hellish realm. Many are the souls who await your anointing fecal balms.
Anyway, I love you guys! Keep up the good work, and I’ll send you the license plate numbers of the upcoming 2014 Unilocal Elites as soon as I can.
Extra points if you crap directly on them.
LOL

As you start walking close to the grackle, it lifts one leg up. You wonder to yourself, «I wish I had some food so I could feed this poor crippled bird.»
As you walk away, unable to give the grackle anything, it puts the leg down. The bird flips you off with his tail feathers and thinks, «#@!$, you weird hairy/​smooth bastard… I could peck your eyes out if I wanted to!»
Grackles. Smarter than a lot of humans.

And the Grackle, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the green burst of Oak just above my Honda door;
And his beady, yellow eyes have all the seeming of a devil bird that is scheming,
And the sunlight o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And the berry filled shit from out that bird asshole that lies dripping down my door,
Shall be lifted — nevermore!
Like seriously. Not even after the «Ultimate» car wash.

What’s the worst part of a suicidal grackle swooping in front of your moving vehicle and smacking into your car’s front grill?
It not being TWO grackles.

These satan spawn mock my every move, and then go back to their little asshole grackle friends and laugh about me and say «omg did you see that dumb bitch with the hair that changes colors every week? i totes shit all over her awesome vintage mercedes!» and then, i try and shoo them away, and they look at me, with their little nightmare eyes, like they’re saying «just wait until you fall asleep, white lady» and i get scared, and go back inside, and i’ve been stuck inside for way too long, and the anxiety and agoraphobia is taking over again, and i sit in the corner, rocking back and forth, waiting for them to leave, and they never leave, and i never leave, and i’m so scared, please help me, oh god, please help.

So, Waco has an infestation of these flying sacks of crap as well. Every year, it starts to look like b-​roll from «The Birds» around Waco, and they really loved the pod of fast-​food joints across from Baylor.
Thus: bird cannon.
Baylor bought a bird cannon.
This contraption was sometimes in the bed of a pickup and sometimes towed behind, but it made a great deal of noise in hopes that it would startle the birds into flying away. The bonus was that it startled freshmen as well, but freshman droppings were considerably larger than the birds’.
I was always disappointed that the bird cannon never expelled anything, like circus midgets. Little people flying out of a cannon that’s dragged all over campus would have ROCKED!
Unfortunately, the bird cannon was just a noisemaker, sort of like how these vermin birds are just poopmakers.
We really need to have a thinning of the herd of birds. «Hello. My name is Stef S. You pooped on my car. Prepare to DIE.»

«Nonononononononononononono! NO! NO! NO! Ohhhhh nooooooo.»
I see grackles and all I can utter is a different variation of the word «no». They congregate at various locales throughout the city. Most notably at Fiesta on I-​35. «Birds of a feather», eh? Sounds cute!
It ain’t cute. It is truly terrifying. The worst is when they fly into the store. I have seen grackles INSIDE various stores, including H-​E-​B, Whole Foods, and Central Market. Really appetizing to have a bird hovering over you while you pick out your produce.
An (injured?) grackle was hopping on the floor and chased me down the toilet paper aisle all territoral-​like. Yeah, horrifying.

Every time I see you, I get this crazy Hitchcockian sensation. Quite frankly… you creep me out.
…I’d give you more stars if you were at least edible.

For you, a Haiku:
Glossy winged brash rat
Snatching morsels from my plate!
Opportunist plague

I spotted you in the distance. You must have known I was watching you because our eyes met. You stared back at me with your dark hypnotic eyes. I heard you call out to me. Slowly I approached you. I see you sway side to side anxious for my arrival. So close I come almost within touching distance, when you fly off. What was it that made you flee from me!!!
Oh, I know, it was the big stick in my hands to wack you with. I had every right to, because out of all the cars in the parking lot. You chose mine to crap on.
Happy 100^th Review

You looking at me?
I was here first, you moron,
don’t throw your shit, fool…
Oh wait, I thought this was grackles reviewing humans.
Every Unilocaler should do a grackle review.

Dude! If you think she’s that freaking hot, buy her a drink. Or 12.
And get a room. Geez.
But please use a condom. There are too many of you phuckers around already.
Oh, and here are the keys. You can have it. I don’t want it. That berry shit just doesn’t come off of white leather.

Crap.
That’s what they do.
Crap and make lots of noise.
When I moved to Austin 13 years ago, I hated these oily noisy birds.
Nuisance! I thought.
Now I admire their tenacity, their raucous perches.
They crap everywhere. Make a lot of noise. Are opportunists.
I decided they are a lot like poets.