Bike Gallery

A store that sells both bicycles and espresso? In Melbourne?
Suspend your disbelief for one small moment, my friends, and listen as I tell you– such a place really exists.
«It’s not possible!» I hear you say, «There’s no market for it! Melbourne has no people that like both single origin beans and (very expensive) bespoke bicycles!»
Well, stranger, you’re about as right as Bob Brown. Mosey on down to Camberwell Train station and saunter across the road to find this spandex-​clad café hiding just down Auburn Parade.
As one veers toward the veneer of this vivacious velocipede vestibule it’s visage vividly expresses the services available: BICYCLES AND COFFEE. Fans of animal collective, U-​locks and penguin classics no doubt reach self-​actualization as they are confronted with gleaming espresso machines and spandex-​clad movember stragglers upon entrance. The floor space is mainly given over to bicycle frames worth more or less as much as a decent family car, with a communal table staffed by extras from a Richard Simmons workout video.
The coffee itself was extremely presentable– opting with a house blend ristretto I was not disappointed. Served in a blur of some of the most powerful barista-​fu I’ve seen in some time, the crema came out very sweet with a bold, full, tart body. My breast-​ridden associates opted to conform to the latte maxim, an art obviously mastered by the devilishly handsome barista on shift. Although I prefer to take my coffee neat, the milk in this case was extremely light and creamy, with a perfect temperature– surprisingly sourced from our old friend Paul. That guy can steam my milk any day.
As the communal table was full of what seemed to be J. M. Barrie’s lost boys in tight pants we were offered the outside seating– six double stacked milk crates and a small table nailed to the wall in a cramped alley out the back. This arrangement may sound like festering shithole of a place to sit, but was surprisingly pleasant in the afternoon sun.
Visit Bike Gallery for average beans made great by a decent machine served by Calvin Klein models. Or, take out a mortgage to buy yourself a carbon-​fiber-​titanium-​alloy pushbike so you can leave your wife at home and wear extremely tight clothing and shave your legs and ride around on pushbikes and sip coffee from tiny cups with other 40 year old men on the weekend. No homo.